Parenthood

So you're parents now, and the landscape of your relationship has been altered forever.

Among the myriad of questions facing new parents, you may find yourself wondering if it's a bad sign that you and the other half are feeling more like platonic roommates than lovers since the baby arrived.

Here to give you an idea of what's what now that you have Parent Sex instead of Sex Sex are....

The RULES of Parent Sex:

Rule 1:

You do not talk about having sex

Rule 2:

You DO NOT talk about having sex

Talking about impending Parent Sex will jinx it. The Parenting Gods will hear you and send down some kind of toddler-related crisis to deter you, such as realising you have run out of rice cakes. Sex cancelled, run to shops, restock the rice cakes, breath sigh of relief, then lament the sex that nearly was.

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Rule 3:

Don't get fancy with it

Getting fancy with it is risky, too much time spent on the preamble and you run the risk of being interrupted (most likely by a child in search of rice cakes).

Rule 4:

Conserve your energy

If you've flouted Rule 3 and are going big on the foreplay front then, at least, adopt a slow and steady approach. You're parents now. Your life is a lot more heavy lifting and a lot less sleep. You've most likely got a bad back and a host of other old person ailments, so pace yourself. You don't want to go in full of energy and then give up before the, ahem, climax.

Rule 5:

Don't over think it

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Maybe at one point, the body grooming preparations for sex were of Nasa launch mission-proportions but ever since The Man saw my organs during the c-section I can't help but think "what's the damn point?". Now body hair upkeep is about 843rd on my list of priorities. If we were waiting for me to trim the lady garden or him to take his pants all the way off we'd never get this thing done. Now he just compliments my 'hair-pants' and goes about his business.

Rule 6:

Strike whenever, wherever you can

As Winston Churchill said:

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” It's this kind of ballsy, lateral thinking that Parent Sex needs. Next time your flight's delayed get creative... Okay that may be going a shade too far but remember fortune favours the bold.

Rule 7:

It's every man (and woman) for himself

Politeness has no part in Parent Sex – it's a race to the finish. Only the strong will survive/orgasm. This can give the whole thing a disproportionate sense of urgency but C'MON someone looking for a rice cake could come in at ANY MOMENT. And what the hey, it kind of adds to the fun. Sidenote: I'm aware that we may be overly relying on rice cakes to raise our child.

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Rule 8:

No shirts, no shoes

I understand total nudity takes time. Therefore, some clothing is permitted during Parent Sex but is it not reasonable to expect the removal of shirts and shoes at least? Okay, okay the shirts can stay, but lose the shoes.

Rule 9:

Ad breaks are not off limits

If you can squeeze it in between part 1 and part 2 of Grand Designs then more power to you.

Rule 10:

No multi-tasking during Parent Sex

We get it; parents are seriously stretched for time, and I'll admit it the suggestion that we watch Doctor Foster during Parent Sex was floated. But just no. It's a big bowl of wrong.

Read more about:

parenting, being a parent, Relationships & Sex