Okay, I admit that I am definitely mulling over the going again thing a lot at the moment. I think this is because I’m feeling the Brood for the first time in my life.
When I got pregnant with The Child, it was not a premeditated thing, and so I hadn’t really started to feel any yearning in the womb department at that point. And obviously The Man was still too concerned with Grand Theft Auto and golf to be feeling any urges either.
Now, however, I’m noticing more and more that The Man appears to be getting his Brood on, and suddenly I’m feeling a little bit unnerved.
10 signs that the other half might be CRAZY broody (and what to do about it):
1. Starts to stare dreamily at the kids you already have, saying things like “they grow up so fast” and “it’s not fair to NOT give him a little brother or sister”
What’s fair about the two years of gestating, leaking, sweating, weeping and generally having your body transform into a human dairy? Remind him of the dairy days with that graphic story of the time your milk squirted on his dad’s trousers.
2. He starts to reminisce about the early days…
You remember those days when you were glued to the couch with the baby at 3 am listening to white noise while he was upstairs getting some rest because he wasn’t on maternity leave…
3. Develops an unnerving interest in smelling baby heads….
We visit friends with a brand new baby. As to be expected the mums form an orderly queue to get a go of the baby, but when The Man pipes up and asks for a go, my ovaries clench involuntarily, my libido packs its bags and books an AirBnB in Krakow for the foreseeable future lest The Man tries to impregnate me.
4. Gets excited when we put on weight…
We do not get excited as the weight gain is due to laziness and an urge to eat an entire loaf of bread in the form of toast after a night out with the girls and NOT growing a baby. Perhaps show him that picture of your stomach one day postpartum when it looked like an empty duffle bag, that’ll surely put him off…
5. Rubs our belly
Is he being affectionate or is he sizing me up to incubate his loin fruit again? I don’t like this…
6. Develops VERY selective memory regarding the realities of pregnancy
Can apparently not recall the INSANE flatulence, perpetual weeping over One Born Every Minute, non-stop demands for homemade anchovy pizzas and late night trips to the fancy supermarket for Poptarts. And OH the hormones.
7. Thinks that we don’t notice when they whisper to The Child about being a big brother
It’s deeply disturbing when you realise that they are in league and may be plotting against you. Luckily I use a particularly secure form of contraception impervious to tampering. It would actually require mild drugging and some light surgery to remove, so I think I’m safe enough, no replacing the pill with Tic Tacs for me.
8. Starts doing endless maths on age gaps
And asking parents of multiple kids questions like, “So what do you do at bedtime?” and “On a scale of one to ten how much harder is two kids versus one?”
9. Appears to be squeezing in more nights out in preparation for the new baby that hasn’t even been conceived yet
“Let’s treat ourselves” becomes a bit of a refrain as “God knows we won’t be going anywhere once there’s two of them around…”
10. Keeps wanting to watch Lost in Translation
It’s his fave film… And a sure sign that he wants to ‘do stuff’.
*Libido runs away*
