First of all I would like to state here before I launch into my whinge that The Man is a really, really good father and a fair to middling husband. Before we had a baby I had no real complaints in the relationship department.
In my book, he was everything I was looking for in a man. He is very tall; he’s very good looking, he has excellent hair, and he loves Con Air every bit as much as I do (and not in an ironic way). Everything was gravy. We were best friends. Then the baby came along, and I realised that for this co-parenting to work we might actually have to work at our relationship a bit. You see suddenly he was pissing me off in ways I had never contemplated before. Suddenly (on 2-3 hours sleep) just the sound of his breathing could make me want to tear my own face off (Face Off was another Nicolas Cage film that had once brought us together), suddenly I wasn’t sure that I liked him all that much.
10 things that have brought us to the brink of divorce (since having a child)
1. The Child
He effortlessly plays us against each other to get what he wants (crisps).
2. Too much ‘quality time’ spent as a family in the loo
I’m just gonna say it: Just stop taking a dump while I’m in the shower… BOTH of you!!!
3. The Man leaving piles of socks EVERYWHERE
This one predates the child obviously, but now the socks also cause an obstruction to our offspring. I pick them up and rage-fling them against the wall but throwing socks is not very satisfying, they’re kind of limp and not very aerodynamic.
4. My continued refusal to learn how to operate the washing machine
I highly recommend this to all women everywhere. I prefer not to see it as laziness on my part but rather an attempt to redress the imbalance and persecution that years of a patriarchal society has visited upon our gender, it’s a political stance, see?
5. Differing opinions about what cleaning approach must be adopted in the War Against Weetabix
I do a passing sweep with every bite that makes it’s way in the vague direction of the child’s mouth. The Man, however, plays a long game, instead allowing the weetabix to harden and take on the texture, appearance and behaviour of concrete before intervening. And in reality it’s me who chisels it off in the end anyway – a steel fish slice is my preferred utensil for scraping off weetabix that has been exposed to the air for longer than a five minute period.
6. When rough housin’ goes bad
I’m hoping we all know this one: there’s a bit of horsing around, tickles and such then one false move and the child is hysterical. The Man is usually the culprit he’s 6ft4″ and weighs about SEVEN times what The Child weighs. When another person pisses off your child, even in jest the mum-rage inevitably flares up.
7. Lack of intimacy
This I assume is something a lot (ALL?) parents can relate to. Even if you do find yourselves alone with a decent intercourse window (in parenting terms 2.15 minutes will do) it’s still hard to, well, bother isn’t it. *Radio Silence* Isn’t it? I blame the exhaustion foremost: why have 2.15 minutes of perfunctory sex, when you could instead have 2.15 minutes of really good sleep? Also, once you’ve brought a child into this world, it’s inevitable that you begin to see your partner in a somewhat different light. Those caressing hands had poo on them just an hour ago, those boobs (he now knows) are capable of shooting milk great distances. The Man, who attended the c-section birth, might look at me sometimes and think “I know what her organs look like”. While attendees of a vaginal birth may have even more graphic images of their wives to try and eradicate.
8. I am “mum” and he is “dad”
As much as we tried not to give in to these monikers the fact is it’s happened… and it really doesn’t help with point 7.
9. Lack of us-time
The Man and I have become a couple who email each other about important life events as if we are distant acquaintances instead of people who share a bed. It’s become a necessity as we literally neglect to tell each other the most basic things, such as that our neighbour recently died…
10. The weight of parental responsibility
Everyone reacts to parenthood differently and for many couples new parenthood is the biggest stressor that they have navigated together. Luckily The Man and I had encountered our fair share of crazy together prior to procreating so when I reacted like a maniac to becoming mother he was very supportive (and not remotely surprised). But it is still a massively difficult transition.
And the one thing that’s kept us together?
The Child of course. People form the strongest of bonds in survival situations which is exactly what the first year of having a child is like. Seeing your other half grow up and become a parent is funny, surprising, endearing and life-affirming. Caring for the precious loin fruit is the single greatest thing you will ever do together, unless you count this sandwich costume we once made….
