My failings as a parent are pretty well-documented round these parts.
I have no excuse for my lack of talent in the mothering department. Friends say that I’m being too hard on myself until I tell them about the time I found my son filling a bottle lid with water and preparing to drink it… he was filling the lid from the TOILET.
I comfort myself by saying at least I intervened rapidly, a lesser parent might’ve let him continue but I know this to be total boll*x.
Here’re 10 things you never want to be saying to your toddler (all of which I have uttered at one point or another)
1. “How did you get up there?”
That unnerving moment when they have apparently scaled the kitchen presses unassisted.
2. “Where’s the toilet brush?”
My one is OBSESSED with the toilet brush, I usually find it roaming loose in the wardrobe.
3. “Don’t touch your pooooooooo!!!!”
Every. Time.
4. “Don’t touch ME with your POO.”
Every. Time.
5. “Please can I have my silk dress back.”
Right before he makes off towards the toilet with it.
6. “Thank you”
This one’s when they thoughtfully hand you some toilet paper while you’re doing a wee and also serves as a DEFINITIVE sign that they shouldn’t be in the bathroom with you anymore.
7. “Put the knife down.”
And follow up question: “Where did you GET the knife???”
8. “Where did you put the chicken I was defrosting for dinner?”
If only they could answer us, instead we’ll have to wait for the smell to hit in a few days time…
9. “Oh god… did you eat the back of my earring????”
I still have no confirmation what happened to it, the child seems fine. I can only assume that having me for a mother has bestowed upon him some pretty solid life skills and a hardy constitution.
10. “Where did you put the car keys?”
That moment when you discover too late that they love playing with the one and only set of car keys.
