So I know what the basics of parenting are: feed and water child at regular intervals and don’t get them wet after midnight. Oh wait, that’s the basics of Gremlins, but hey ho, we all know that toddlers are not dissimilar to Gremlins.
But what if our child won’t let us feed and water them adequately? I slave over nourishing, healthy meals, and he literally throws them back in my face. Then I give him totally synthetic, neon orange food and he throws that back in my face. We’re talking here about a child who rejects chocolate, CHOCOLATE for god’s sake, just to be obstinate.
17 rules of mealtimes according to a toddler:
Rule #1 – Hate EVERYTHING.
Rule #2 – Change your mind about what it is you hate.
Rule #3 – Only accept food from other people’s plates.
Rule #4 – What’s mine is mine; what’s theirs is mine.
Rule #5 – Never throw dried food on the floor, only saucy food.
Rule #6 – Only accept sticky toppings on your toast.
Rule #7 – Stay immaculate while wearing the bib and grotty old pyjamas; absolutely bath in the food when wearing clean clothes.
Rule #8 – If food preparation takes longer than 8 seconds, lose your sh*t.
Rule #9 – Never accept any food item that appears to have come from a natural source: No greens EVER.
Rule #10 – All meals must be consumed with one’s hands. However an assortment of cutlery must be supplied to play with/attack others.
Rule #11 – The more they want you to eat something, the more you must resist.
Rule #12 – Store up all enthusiasm for eating for later, say around 2 am.
Rule #13 – When eating chocolate cake be sure to TOUCH EVERYTHING.
Rule #14 – Never accept a first dinner, make them attempt at least three options before allowing even a MORSEL of food past your lips.
Rule #15 – Put food in your hair.
Rule #16 – Put food in THEIR hair.
Rule #17 – Keep smiling, they cannot resist it.
