The first time I gave The Child the finger, he definitely wasn’t quite fully aware of life just yet. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself for reassurance.
He was about six days old and had been crying for the entire six days (possible exaggeration due to prolonged sleep deprivation). Now, I’m not proud of giving a baby the finger, it wouldn’t have been my most impressive, loving, sanest parenting moment. However a couple of years on and several months into the so-called terrible twos and I feel kind of justified in occasionally giving my son the finger.
I do it behind his back obviously I don’t want him picking it up and giving me the finger back. And I try to only do it in the privacy of my own home away from the judgemental eyes of the world.
I once confessed about the finger-giving to my mother in guilty tones and was relieved to hear that she had wanted to do much worse to me at times during my infancy. Apparently she was forever threatening to throw me out the window and I’ve come out alright… ish. Though I do have that persistent inexplicable fear of windows come to think of it…
I feel most reassured when I hear that other parents get irrationally f*cked off with their kids too. And that I’m not a bad person for getting frustrated with the two-foot tall tyrant who lovingly rules my life.
8 Reasons Why I Give The Child The Finger (Behind His Back):
1. It’s really REALLY satisfying
It’s the perfect response to the toddler-induced mini rages that can occasionally break me after yet another night of no sleep and mornings spent chiselling Weetabix off the kitchen wall.
2. It’s not going to emotionally scar him for this rest of his life
He doesn’t know about it… Unless he reads this of course though I’m counting on the Internet having imploded by the time he is skilled enough to hunt down and read any of the things I have committed to print about him.
3. Sometimes he’s just being a little pr*ck
Okay, okay. What he’s actually being is a toddler and what I’m being is a touch childish myself, I admit it.
4. More importantly, I suspect he KNOWS when he’s being a little pr*ck
I know he’s only 2-years-old but I feel if he’s old enough to goad me by pouring milk into my shoe after I had explicitly told him not to, than he’s old enough to be (subtly) given the finger when he’s not looking.
5. It’s better than what I actually want to do sometimes…
Which is Run. RUN far far AWAY. Or avail of the nearest window á la my mother.
6. It doesn’t mean I’m a terrible person, it just means I’m not perfect (hey ho)
I adore my son but I run out of patience sometimes. Giving him the finger is so absurd that it’s usually a good way to snap me out of the occasionally overpowering frustration of parenthood. I give him the finger as he storms out of the room and then a small part of my brain says “look at yourself right now” and I kind of have to laugh at myself.
7. Sometimes he can be really cutting
Like when he tells me to “go away” after I’ve literally done everything for him since the day he was born. Bust out that finger, I say. It scratches that frustration-itch like nothing else. Except maybe giving the kitchen door a kick which wrecked the kitchen door and had the IMMEDIATE knock on effect of showing The Child another fabulous way to vent his anger. Parenting win I think not.
8. It is how I originated my favourite parenting mantra:
“Spare the rod and give the child the finger…”
I’m anti using rods on kids so the finger-giving isn’t the worst alternative you could come up with.
Have you ever given your precious darlings the finger? Or kicked the kitchen door in frustration? Tell me I’m not alone in this…
