Tread carefully.
If you ever saw a dog growling at someone who was trying to take their food away, snapping and drooling from the mouth, baring their teeth in disgust that someone might dare to interrupt them.. then you have a fair idea of what I’m like getting woken up in the mornings.
POOR ASS MONKEY AL. I know, he has a very hard life. He can spring from the bed at 6 am and immediately launch into full conversations, start work, sort out the bins and make breakfast for the whole family. Me? Well, I need to be gently peeled from the sheets, finger by finger, toe by toe, in darkness and silence until I make it to the floor. It’s a process that can take anything from ten to eighty minutes.
After that, I need about two hours to be vaguely pleasant again – I’m just not a morning person. Maybe it’s the product of being an only girl who had my own room and space and lots of time to myself. I didn’t really have to talk to anyone when I woke up first, I could literally stay in my room and have a little think about things before making my entrance to the kitchen.
I know, I know, it must be nearly impossible to get away with that kind of behaviour now that there are small kids in the house, and that is mostly true. Except that Alan is very good at giving me a wide berth in the mornings (mainly because he understandably can’t stand me) and so he’ll take Jacob down for breakfast until I can humanise myself.
When you are a Monster Waker, you simply can’t cope with the following:
1. Turning on the lights
Now WHY do you want to assault someone’s eyeballs with bright, bright lights, you sicko? Can’t you just let them wake up and adjust to their new state of being, ie, sad to be awake again, first?
2. Asking questions
If I have just woken up, like seconds ago, how do I know the answer to questions like ‘How are you feeling?’ or ‘Do you know where the hairbrush is?’. Why don’t you start with ‘Would you care for this nice cup of tea?!’ instead.
3. Removing the duvet
This is a punch-in-the-faceable offense and akin to actual monster waker abuse. I know you think you are funny but you are SOOOOO NOTTTTTTTTT.
4. Being handed a baby
If I need the guts of half a morning to resemble an effectively functioning human being, then handing me a tiny baby while you go and shower is not a good idea. Don’t you love your kids, huh?!
5. Anyone being in the room and/or breathing
There really is no easy way to rouse a Monster Waker and expect a good reaction. You need to enter the bedroom silently and at your peril. Wear protective clothing. Arm yourself with a cup of something and maybe a slice of toast. God speed.
I would like to note that I was happily woken by Jacob this week. He was under the covers, giggling and playing ‘This Little Piggy Went To Market…’ on my toes. It turned out ok because I woke up giggling too when I realised what was going on. So there’s the top tip: if all else fails, send the cute kids in ;o)
