Parenthood

Are you sure he's not cold? *head tilt

This is one of those questions that make me involuntarily snap into my best death stare.

It immediately implies that you are a wench of a mother who cares more about scrolling through the Daily Mail than putting socks on your baby (this only happened once)

I'm not sure if it is because you are a new mum and therefore a massive ball of emotions, or if people just get instantly more annoying once you have a child, but here is our list of phrases that will leave you seething once you birth your human:

(We have added answers for your convenience)

Q1: Is she on a routine? 

A: Yes, the routine we follow is that you both cry together for an hour before lunch which is; two Mars bars (for you) and two ounces of Mars bar flavoured breast milk (for her) - then you usually fall asleep together watching the new Gilmore girls and then you both cry some more. Repeat and alternate with cheese on toast and Strictly repeats.

Good times.

Q2: Are you not bored at home?

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A: Not at all. See above answer

Q3: She's her own little person, isn't she?

A: Yes, she is an actual real person, and was that a rhetorical question? Because I could really use the time to have a quick shower and wash the puke out of my hair instead of answering your drivel. Cheers.

Q4: She looks nothing like you! 

A: Are you telling me my child may potentially be a changeling? What's wrong with you, lady!

Q5: Are you starting solids already

A: Yes, I have decided to go with my maternal gut feeling and advice from my mum rather than do exactly what you did. Please forgive me.

Q6: You're not putting her in creche are you?

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A: Excuse me while I self-flagellate for placing my daughter in a secure environment with trained professionals while I earn a wage to pay my mortgage. Oh, and bite me.

Q7: She's still not walking?

Yes, but I'm cool with carrying her everywhere until she's a teen. Ditto re the dummy.

Q8: Ah, let her have a sweet, it won't kill her! (This is usually a grandparent)

A: I understand one sweet won't ruin her life, but I also just caught you trying to give her coke in her bottle so I'm going to pass on the jaffa cake this time.

Facepalm moments like these are a shocker but somewhere under all that concern for the welfare of your child is probably a very kind intention, so we will simply suck it up and soldier on.

Have you ever experienced phrases like this? Let us know in the comments section what drove you batty when you were in the thick of it.

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parenting, sponsored, newborn, advice, annoying phrases