Life after kids is wildly different from life pre-kids, that is stating the obvious in the extreme.
The big differences become apparent immediately: There’s a baby in my house, it wants things, I have to give them to it.
The little differences, however, only become evident little by little. For example, one day you’ll hear someone say “Can’t wait for a lie in tomorrow!” and you’ll look at them and realise that though you occupy the same stretch of Earth they may as well be living in an alternate universe – a universe of lie-ins and hangover days and not touching the excrement of others on a regular basis. Of course, our universe is not necessarily bad, just different.
8 Things That Literally Have No Bearing On My Life Now That I Have Kids:
1. The Opinions of Others
Ain’t nobody got time for that, amirite?
2. Alarm Clocks
Don’t need ’em. Seriously haven’t had to set one in two-and-a-half years. I now remember alarm setting with rose-tinted nostalgia. What I wouldn’t give to need that digital auditory assault in the mornings. And to be choosing what time I want to be woken up.
3. All Nighters of the Up ‘Til Dawn, Talking Shite and Drinking Limoncello Cuz There’s Nothing Else Left To Drink’ Variety
I still stay up late and talking shite and limoncellos are definitely not off the menu, but the major difference is that all these activities must take place much, much earlier or not at all because parenting on no sleep with a hangover is not worth the pain. (See also essential reading: My definitive Hard and Fast Rules For Surviving A Hangover When You’re a Parent)
4. Health Kicks
Just can’t be f*cked. Maybe they’ll become a thing again when I’ve got more time and inclination, but right now I just need 38 Chicken Dippers and a box of wine to survive the adorable spawn I’ve created.
5. Friday Nights
This isn’t a sad “oh poor us we made miniature versions of ourselves and now we can’t have fun ever again” type deal. It’s just Friday Nights post-kids mean something entirely different. They pretty much mean “let’s get horizontal on the couch as fast as possible, if not sooner.” Or on less frequent occasions they mean: “Oh My Effing Gawd, we’ve got a babysitter. Bwahahahhahha.” *Goes mental, then falls asleep after two glasses of wine*
6. Sunday Mornings
Again the Sunday Mornings in the traditional sense are gone from my life, but I believe they are overrated. “But what about the lazing around and the coffee and the papers and brunch cocktails???” you counter. “Lalalalalalala, I can’t hear you…” Please leave me this delusion, remembering how utterly delicious Sunday Mornings are is just too painful for me.
7. Boredom
Boredom is a luxury that requires time. I do not have this.
8. Dignity
I think I was a bit short on this even before I dropped a piss sample on the bus and had to scuttle after it six months pregnant only to have a beautiful man hand it back to me (it was still warm). Now, on the other side of having my pubic hair shaved to facilitate the c-section by a doctor in an operating theatre and The Man joke-requesting a short back and sides – I can safely say I retain absolutely zero dignity. Zilch. Nada.
