Every year we vow to be more organised…
Every year THIS happens…
9 stages of panicked Christmas shopping that will lead to immediate mulled wine bingeing:
Stage 1: “I’ve LOADS of time”
You repeat daily until Christmas Eve, when you realise that there is literally no time left.
Stage 2: “Must. Get. To. Town. NOW.” Thinks 1.4 million people on Christmas Eve
Which ever mode of transport you choose, you will regret it.
Stage 3: The Realisation That You Hate Everyone You Know
They didn’t put themselves through this yuletide hell for US – most likely because they are smug bastards who had all the presents wrapped in September.
Stage 4: The Realisation That You Hate Everyone on Grafton Street
The happy ones, the angry ones, the slow walking ones and ESPECIALLY the ones who are queuing too close behind us at the Leonidas counter. JUST BACK OFF. “Stop breathing ON MY NECK,” you scream-think inside your head.
Stage 5: Desperate Measures
The strong urge to shoplift a tie hits when you see the till queue in M&S. Surely this is the ONE possible advantage of shopping with an agitated toddler in a pram – ease of shoplifting. Or this may be the Christmas Mania kicking in…
Stage 6: “I have ass sweat in BTs”
I like to think of the Ass Sweat BTs stage as a low-key ‘Screw You’ to all the people shopping in BTs who are much fancier than us… you know the ones who actually belong in BTs and presumably never suffer from ass sweat.
Stage 7: Self-medicating with booze over lunch because… “Sure, it’s Christmas!”
The three wines over lunch intended to assuage the Christmas shopping terror, only makes matters worse – somewhere between socks in Arnotts and the Jo Malone counter an intense hangover has set in, accompanied by Strong Fear at the sudden thought that not only do you have to buy all the presents in two hours, you also have to wrap them.
Stage 8: Subtly Assaulting People in the Vicinity
It feels good, doesn’t it? To accidentally on purpose kick people in the shins as you storm through a sea of happiness, good cheer and novelty Christmas attire. Do it… sure ’tis the season to vent your rage on strangers, right? Oh wait… I’ve got that wrong haven’t I?
Stage 9: Buy All the Random Things and Reward Yourself with Mulled Wine and Mince Pies (Then Remember that Wrapping Business)
