One of the hardest thing as a parent, I think, is to be able to self edit and take a deep breath before speaking to your children when you are angry, upset, or tired.
We all have those days, when we are exhausted from a long day at work, when the house is apocalyptic, when nobody will eat their dinner and when the kids just won’t stop bickering.
It’s so easy to snap, to shout, to say things you almost immediately will regret. After all, mums are human too.
But it is worth taking a moment to think about what your words and your voice sound like to your children. Who are a lot smaller than you. Who maybe don’t yet have the ability to understand why you are tired and angry. Who love you the most in the whole world, and find it terrifying when you scream at them at the top of your voice.
And while nobody is as quick to forgive you for your angry words as your children (that’s how much they love their mama!), it is worth remembering that what you say today could shape how they feel about themselves – and you – for years and years to come.
On question-sharing site Quora a post titled ‘What is the most psychologically damaging thing you can say to a child?’ recently got many people commenting on what words have haunted them until long after they became adults. And some of the answers are truly heartbreaking.
Some of the people who answered admitted the hurtful words they grew up hearing such as being told not to be a ‘burden’, while one woman’s admission was shocking – that her parent told her they would have ‘killed’ her for being born a girl.
A user called Ridima shared her personal experiences of a parent’s words having a diminishing effect on children.
She wrote that following a mistake she made, she was told : “‘If it were up to me and others weren’t there to question it, I’d have killed you by now. You’re the reason people kill girl child [sic] before they’re even born.”
‘Not sure if the most damaging, but words like these sure cause damage. Big time.’
She said the comment was said in anger but doesn’t justify the hurtful meaning.
She continued: ‘Children are programmed to love. They’ll assume that it was their fault whenever you say something negative.
She posted her comment on January 4 and it’s been seen over 1,200 times.
‘It’s your duty to make them feel safe and secure and loved.’
Another woman named Stephanie revealed she had heard discouraging words as a child that she found upsetting.
She wrote that certain phrases were common in her childhood from ‘don’t be a burden’ to ‘how dare you embarrass me.’
She posted: ‘In eighth grade, I received a B in one of my classes. My mother demanded a parent-teacher conference plus the principal.
‘They asked me if I deserved the grade, and I said “yes”. I was subsequently grounded and she refused to speak to me for days.’
While a woman named Philomena also shared her childhood stories.
She claimed her mother would call her ‘dumb.’
She wrote: ‘I believed it for many years. I applied it to certain situations where I failed and settled for lesser things just because I thought it was what I deserved.’
Do YOU remember your parents being angry with you? How did it affect you? And has this made you think when it comes to being angry with your own children? Send me an e-mail at Trine.Jensen@Herfamily.ie
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