1. The legions of fans
Once you have a baby, you become like the disappointing support act. No one is excited to see YOU anymore. Anytime you arrive somewhere sans baby and presumably excited to get a little bit of a break, perhaps enjoy a coffee that is still HOT or a trip to the loo unaccompanied, people make no effort whatsoever to hide their disappointment that it’s “just you”.
2. The endless costume changes
Babies and celebs have endless outfit changes, though presumably, the celebs aren’t changing their outfit due to involuntary soiling … although Ozzy Osbourne may have dabbled in this from time to time.
3. “Exhaustion”
Pop stars are frequently reported to be suffering from (euphemistic) “exhaustion”. Babies get tired too, though when a baby is over-tired a nap will do, whereas the divas usually opt for rehab masquerading as a wellness spa.
4. The paparazzi
In this case we, the parents, are the paparazzi. Much like divas, the babies usually NEVER oblige our relentless photographing of them. Babies be like “Bitch, please get out of my face…” and will invariably STOP doing whatever cute thing they were doing as soon as they spot that camera.
5. Elaborate riders
Diva pop star, Mariah Carey’s rider famously includes lashings of Cristal champagne; an attendant to dispose of her used chewing gum; two air purifiers; bottles of vitamin water to wash her dogs with and a lamp so that any harsh lighting can be eliminated.
This seems totally reasonable and low-key compared with our babies’ demands of perfectly heated milk, yoghurt-covered rice cakes (NOT the orange flavoured kind), gro-clock night light, blackout blinds and eight hours of white noise playing in the background.
6. Up all night on the razz
Our babies are in party mode from dusk till dawn. Sometimes when I’m pacing the room jigging the baby I imagine that we are at an after-party in a German techno club in the middle of his European tour (the white noise really adds to this effect).
7. Demanding and Contrary as f*ck
Oh yeah, this sounds about right. Babies can probably out-diva Beyoncé ANY day. Between the elaborate and forceful demands and the fact that whatever kept them happy and content the day before is now most likely considered an AFFRONT, when a baby is in full-scale diva-mode any and ALL efforts to placate them will be met with total obstinance. Sidenote: Diva-mode usually ramps up during the hours of 6 pm and 9 pm, another term for diva-mode is colic. It’s so easy to imagine Mariah Carey as a colicky baby. *Shudder*
8. Dancing like a diva
Babies, once they can support their heads, are usually EXCELLENT dancers. Self-consciousness or lack of talent does NOT hold them back. Babies genuinely dance like nobody is watching. Damn, we wish we could dance with the happy abandon of a baby shakin’ that little nappy-clad bottom.
9. The meltdowns
Diva meltdowns have got NOTHING on my son. Every time my son goes into full-tilt crazy diva meltdown-mode because I wouldn’t let him eat soap, I remember that Christian Bale meltdown from the set of Terminator Salvation.
Bale’s seven and a half minute tirade at a worker on set inspired practically its own genre of remixes that I can easily imagine as the child lets loose: “You are trashing my scene,” he rants while kicking and throwing Sophie the Giraffe on the floor, “I ain’t walking on this set if you’re still hired.”
