Do you think he was right?
A father has taken to a parenting forum on Reddit to ask advice about an incident with his father-in-law. The incident in question involved his father-in-law teasing his daughter, followed by him confronting him. A situation no one wants to find themselves in.
He started off by saying:
“So this just happened a few hours ago at dinner with my in laws and wife, son (8) and daughter (4) on vacation. My FIL (father-in-law) has a habit of teasing my kids in what he thinks is a good natured manner, but he doesn’t stop even when they get upset or tell him to stop.
At dinner tonight, he kept calling my daughter by a different name, and she kept trying to correct him. He called her stuffed animal by a different name, and after multiple times of correcting him, with increasing volume, he didn’t stop. He tried to take her toy away several times.
He introduced his hand as the tickle monster and my daughter said no. My daughter’s response to all this was an increasing state of agitation and telling him to stop. All the while, I felt anger at being stuck in the middle and not feeling like I could say anything because I know my FIL loves his grandkids and this is the main way he knows how to interact with kids.”
He went on to explain that the father-in-law is a very patient and loving man, but he just didn’t think that it was normal for him to continue to tease his grandchildren when they clearly don’t like it.
As the night progressed the teasing increased to the point where the dad even moved his daughter to a new seat at the table so that she wouldn’t be able to interact with the granddad. After suggesting to the father-in-law to change the game or trying to redirect him, there was no change, so he snapped and confronted him.
He said:
“I told him that he was antagonizing my daughter, that she had told him to stop and now, I was telling him to stop. This is the first time I said anything, and now my wife is upset at the situation, my MIL (mother-in-law) thinks we should no longer have dinner together on this vacation, and my kids think grandpa is mean. As we left dinner, I told my FIL that I was sorry and didn’t want to say anything, but it’s hard for me to watch my daughter get increasingly upset at his actions that continue even after she says to stop. He barely responded to me.”
Along with the post he asked for advice from parents and grandparents who have found themselves in the same situation. Here’s what some people had to say:
“If the teasing goes so far that your daughter doesn’t want to invite her grandfather to her birthday parent, then it’s gone too far. If nobody else recognizes that then I’m sorry, but you did the right thing.”
“You did the correct thing. Your daughter told him to stop. He didn’t stop. What is this teaching her? That even when she says no, it’s okay for an adult to continue doing what they are doing. This isn’t about a grandparent/grandchild relationship, this is about how your child interacts with anyone and her ability to control something that is happening to her. Your FIL, wife, and MIL should understand that.
“He sounds like my dad. Basically, poor ability to read social cues and I think a general sense that any reaction is a good one. He probably thinks he’s engaging woth her and hasn’t gone beyond that thought to recognise that what’s fun for him isn’t fun for her.
You did the right thing.”“I was that granpa, took me a long time not to be, and maybe sometimes still am. The thing is he isn’t recognizing the interaction are only amusing for him. Best I can tell, so he doesn’t think it’s a case of “haha stop tickling me (no don’t really stop)” is to agree on a “no I’m serious, stop” safe word/ phrase with your daughter and FIL, and make sure your daughter knows not to cry wolf with it.”
