All the preconceptions about the ease of Motherhood fade the moment you step foot outside the maternity hospital.
The car journey home is spent in abject terror that your other half is driving at lightning speed – which, of course, he is not, and in between yelling at him to slow-the-fuck-down, you’re wiping big ploppy tears from your face as the day-three baby blues kick you in the face.
Then you get home, place the car seat gently on the floor like it was a bomb that could easily explode from the slightest touch, and you stare at IT. This is it. Life. Changed. Forever.
Your peanut-sized baby is peeking out, swaddled in its oversized padded suit that was never going to fit, let’s be honest, because you insisted on buying the 1-3 months size instead of newborn (exactly the sort of thing your own mammy would have done). And there they are, enveloped in a car seat that’s six times its size and all you can think is: NOW WHAT?
My husband and I just gazed at each other in disbelief. All the months of pouring over the baby books – imagining an avocado, then a melon, then what felt like a watermelon growing in your belly. All the chapters and trimesters we read about and researched culminated in this moment. And it dawned on us – we had wasted all that time researching the wrong things. What we should have found out was what the hell to do when presented with a newborn baby. Apart from a one-day, pre-natal course that taught us how to bath a doll and feck all else, we now had to do this. Be parents.
Fooooook! Cue: panic, tears, a bit of mayhem. Phrases like, “I don’t think I can do this,” ensued. Husband looks panicked thinking, “What if she can’t do this?” Phonecalls to the hospital were made nightly for the first week; we were complete and utter deer caught in headlights. Amateur hour after amateur hour later, we survived. Of course we did. Because the unbelievable love you have for this tiny little bundle makes it all okay. You’re keeping this little hybrid of you and your hubbie alive and despite any ups-and-downs at the start, it’s exhilarating and you’re crazy-in-love.
But if I was doing it all again for the first time, these are the things I really wish I’d known:
1 Your newborn has been living in a cocoon in your belly for ten months – it needs to feel safe and nurtured when it comes out. Imagine how strange it must be for them? So, make a cocoon for you and your newborn, wrap yourselves up in your bed or sofa and let this be your little nest for the first week (and at least six weeks if you can). Learn how to swaddle the baby and try and do this often. Feed away to your hearts content whenever the baby is hungry. Forget about anything or anyone else. The old cliché is really true, this is precious time that goes way too fast (even though it feels like it’s going to go on forever!), so limit your visitors the first week and enjoy every second of getting used to each other.
2. Props. Get your partner or someone to make sure you have all the props you need at arms reach: nipple cream, glass of water, one-handed snacks, headphones for night feeds, phone, bibs, muslin cloths for little spit-ups – put everything in a box and make sure it’s fully stocked always – especially when you’re stuck to the sofa for growth spurts (this will happen!). Warm face clothes helped me between feeds too, especially when the milk was coming in. And Arnica. This homeopathic tablet is brilliant for bruising down below if you have some. And who doesn’t after pushing a small human out your hoo-ha! It’s good for C-sections too, helping the wound heal faster. You can buy this in any Health Food shop or try to get your hands on some post-surgery grade from a homeopath. If you’re bottle-feeding, have a bottle warmer ready (although, if you avoid warming bottles, it means you can give bottles on-the-move anywhere) and a stock of clean bottles ready at all times, so you don’t have to sterilise at 5am when you’ve been awake for 20 hours (this also happens – sorry!).
3. If your partner is at home, get him to do all the nappy changes, make sure he has nappies stocked and the bowl of water and cotton wool ready for every change (or WaterWipes). During this time, try and do something for yourself, even if it’s just going to the bathroom. Forget about the laundry or getting things ready, delegate these jobs to someone else. This short but valuable time to yourself is really necessary when you have a newborn stuck to you ALL of the hours.
4. Laundry – have a dirty laundry basket in numerous rooms in the house. Wherever there is a changing mat or table. Then, when family comes to visit, get them to gather up the baskets and throw it all in the machine. Well, they did ask if you wanted help!
5. Pillows – you can’t have enough. When you’re feeding it’s so important your back is fully supported. Remember, you’ve been carrying and supporting a rather heavy ball for many months, your back ligaments and joints are only getting used to your new posture, don’t pull your neck (like I did) looking down at the baby and your boobs all the time.
6. If anyone mentions of the word ‘routine,’ ask them to leave. I’m not joking. I was obsessed from very early on that I was going to put the baby in a routine; this is the one thing I really regret, and if I EVER meet Gina Forde, I would slap her around the face with her awful Contented Baby book that nearly sent me into a psychiatric ward.
7. Feed yourself. Sounds easy, right? When you’re in the early days haze of non-stop feeding, changing and having a baby permanently stuck in your arms, it’s actually easy to forget to eat. It’s so important if you’re breastfeeding too for a constant flow of milk. If anyone asks if they can do anything for you, ask them to prepare or buy some simple, bite-size snacks, things like carrot sticks and hummus are good, as are cereal bars, small crackers and washed berries. Keep your food simple if you’re feeding, limit coffee and be careful of eating too much dairy or anything spicy as this might upset their little tummies.
8. If you’re having trouble breastfeeding, call a Lactation Consultant immediately. Log on to Cuidiú or any breastfeeding support website, and call a consultant to pop over to help out. It’s usually around €120, and the best money I ever spent (sadly, I only discovered this when baby number two came along after multiple bouts of mastitis with my first). It’s okay to ask for help; it can be really tricky to master for some. They also check for Tongue-tie – which the midwives in the hospitals aren’t trained to spot. This could be a really simple reason why breastfeeding is hard for you and it’s super-easy to fix with a simple procedure which takes minutes.
9. Shower or take a bath whenever you can. This can be quite hard to do. But even a 30-second blast in the shower can do wonders for your tired soul. If you have stitches, pop one small drop of tea tree oil into a warm bath. If you’re feeding, massage Lanolin cream on your boobs whenever you remember and learn how to hand massage the whole area (from YouTube videos) to avoid blockages that can lead to mastitis. If you see any red areas on your boobs, and they seem hot and heavy, you most likely already have mastitis. Continue feeding, get an emergency appointment with any doctor, the quicker you get antibiotics into you (these are safe to take while feeding) the better the chance of avoiding the full-on fever that can accompany mastitis. Believe me, this is not pretty with a newborn in tow – I speak from experience.
10. Remember, the baby will cry, some for hours at a stretch, but they are just outside the womb, they’re getting used to new surroundings, and if you’re feeding, your milk is only coming through during the first week (in fact, it takes six whole weeks for it to come through properly). Take your time, do the best you can and try not to get disillusioned (hard when you’re sleep-deprived, I know). Some babies cry more than others, I think it can simply be a personality thing too. When the baby is crying, and you feel like you have fed, changed and burped them, and you can’t figure out what the hell is wrong, the likelihood is that it’s nothing. Babies cry. Their teeny insides are just getting used to feeding, digesting and pooing in a whole different way. You are BOTH new to this; you’ll get the hang of it. Try to be patient, try not to get frustrated, you have birthed this baby, you can do this, Mama! And don’t forget, your hormones are all over the shop, so it’s okay to cry. Cry whenever you want. Let it all out. And sleep. Sleep when the baby falls asleep – do this over taking a shower or entertaining a granny – you’ll be amazed at what a 3-minute cap-nap will do for your energy levels and your milk production too.
Good luck and share with us any tips we’ve left out – knowledge is power, people, and everyone’s experiences are different – your newborn experience might have gone swimmingly, or been really hard – share your stories in the comments or mail us – editorial@HerFamily.ie.
