Search icon

Parenting

14th Mar 2016

Half Of All Mothers LIE About Co-Sleeping For Fear Of Being Judged

Trine Jensen-Burke

Confession: I would have never thought myself the co-sleeping kind prior to having children. And yet, when both my baby girl and baby boy came along, that’s exactly what I ended up doing. 

Not because I am practicing any kind of die-hard attachment parenting style, simply because it was what felt the most natural to us. I was feeding them myself, and having them in bed with me made the whole night feeds a doddle – to the extent that I never (on two babies) found myself up and out of bed during the night. Which, you know, has been all sorts of amazing.

Many factors played in, of course, like the fact that I, when my little girl was newborn, was alone with her a lot as my other half finished his MA in the UK. And so being just us two most nights, we were both happier when we could snuggle together in that big bed, I think.

What usually happened, was that I would settle her for the night (usually by feeding her until she was fast asleep – gasp!) and put her down in her own cot beside my bed. Then, a few hours later, when I was going to bed myself, I would lift her sleepy little self into bed with me, where we would sleep as snuggled up as only a mama and her baby can be.

As she approached her first birthday, my little girl would sleep in her own cot some nights, other nights in with me. Basically, whatever ensured we all got a good night sleep was – and remains – my motto. Some nights that meant daddy camping out in the (perfectly lovely and very peaceful) spare room, something I think kept us all happy. I slept better knowing that the kids were happy, he slept beautifully undisturbed and in a king sized bed to himself. Win/win.

And when our little boy joined the family, this remained the pattern. L would sleep in his cot some nights, with me most nights, and sometimes his big sister would join in too. And me? I would be happily squished between them, breathing in my beautiful sleeping babies (while daddy got all the sleep he needed in the spare room). And while this scenario might seem like hell to some, to us it has ensured six years of not having to pace the floor or settle crying babies in the middle of the night.

Screen Shot 2016-03-14 at 11.16.40

The thing is, while many won’t admit to it, studies have shown that pretty much half of all mothers do indeed share a bed with their babies and toddlers every now and again. And yet so very few will talk about it or even admit to being occasional co-sleepers.

UK-based website Gentle Parenting recently commissioned a study of 600 parents which found that 46 percent of parents hadn’t admitted to sharing a bed with their newborns to a GP, midwife or health visitor about co-sleeping for fear of being judged.

Sarah Ockwell-Smith of Gentle Parenting did the research for her new book, Why Your Baby’s Sleep Matters, and is now encouraging mothers – and fathers – to be up front with their health professionals, so they at least can be given the correct advice about a safe way to do so.

Ockwell-Smith, who herself is a mother-of-four, recently told MailOnline: “NICE (The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence) don’t say, “Don’t bed share.” They say parents should be helped to make an informed choice.”

The problem is that the matter is still so taboo, thinks the author, that many parents won’t admit to it for fear of being judged – “or even reported to social services.”

“Many people won’t even tell their friends or family,” she explains.

In the study, many mums explained how they lied to their doctors and community nurses about co-sleeping, and how doing it was the only thing that would ensure sleep for them and baby, but that they felt worried about how the professionals would react if they had been honest about their sleeping arrangements.

Ockwell-Smith maintains that if done properly, co-sleeping is entirely safe as long as certain guidelines are followed.

“You need to keep the duvet and pillows well away. The baby should be on the outside of the bed beside the mum and separate from dad or any other siblings.”

However, even experts admit the guidelines for safe sleep and the prevention of cot deaths are confusing.

“It’s quite a confusing message, it is not clear, explains clinical director of The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence in the UK, Professor Mark Baker. “We’re not telling people not to co-sleep, we know that could get in the way with breastfeeding, but there is an association there with Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.”

Ockwell-Smith says there are no absolutes, and explains how some experts believe co-sleeping is safer if you are breastfeeding than if you are not.

“Many experts believe it’s only safe for breastfed babies, and that formula-fed babies – without the immunity-boosting properties of breast milk – should be sleeping in their own cots rather than with their parents.”

Another factor is that breastfeeding mums sleep differently. “They sleep much more lightly and are more in tune with the baby. They make a protective frame around the baby,” she explains. “But we also know from research that co-sleeping can be dangerous. For example, if the mother smokes or smoked during pregnancy, even if she doesn’t now, and if her partner smokes.”

And if alcohol has been in the picture, all experts also warn about co-sleeping. “Nobody knows how much alcohol is safe so even if you have a glass of wine it could be a risk.”

However, NICE guidelines, (which were last updated at the end of 2014), still state that Department of Health are advising that it’s safest for a baby to sleep on its back in its own cot or Moses basket in the parents’ room for the first six months.

(Feature image via Gofeminin.de)