Deirdre O’Kane is an actress, writer, producer and stand-up comedian. She lives in London with her husband and sometime collaborator, Stephan, and their two children Holly (10) and Daniel (6).
If I’ve learned one thing about myself since become a mother it is… that I was not blessed with patience.
My mother and father taught me so much about being a parent…
They were quite relaxed, and they weren’t pushy and they were very supportive of what we wanted to do. There was never a “no you can’t do that”. Often with acting if somebody voices the desire to do it, it can often be shot down and certainly in our house it wasn’t. It was very much go for it.
The main thing that’s changed between me and my partner since becoming parents is… everything! That is a huge question. There’s four of us now; there’re four needs to be met. There are not two needs anymore, so that’s the main thing. You do find that a lot of your conversations are about your children and then maybe about yourselves. You’re inclined to put yourselves second, and I try to be really aware of that and go “ah here let’s get back to ourselves for a minute.” You do have to consciously decide that.
The most surprising thing I’ve found about parenthood is… how challenging it is. I don’t think people talk about that that much. I don’t think it’s allowed, you have to be so grateful and you are, you are so grateful; that you’re lucky enough to have them and that they’re well. But complaining about how hard it is isn’t really something that’s allowed. I don’t think that’s right. It’s very challenging and it’s a hard job and it’s a hard job to do well. And it is a job, okay it’s not a job that you’re paid to do but it’s the most important thing that you’re ever going to do. And constantly and endlessly you worry about what kind of job you’re doing. I don’t think it ever goes away, but at the same time you’ve got to take a chill pill, they’re going to turn out the way they turn out. And they arrive with their own personalities. As someone once told me, all they need is love, and that’s true.
If my children have taught me anything, it’s… patience. I think patience is a big one for me. The expression ‘patience is a virtue’ is something that I never appreciated until I had kids. Because they will push your buttons. And you have to learn to do all the tricks; count to 10, breathe, breathe again. And after that they teach you that the simple things in life are it. That’s what it’s all about.
The most important lesson I’d like to teach my child is… confidence. I’d love them to be comfortable in their skin and confident. I don’t know how to instill that; it’s a difficult thing. You have to watch them and give them freedom and I think the balance of that is hard. Confidence is a great gift if you can impart it somehow.
The qualities that I most admire in others is… joy. I adore positive energy. I can’t really be around low energy for long, I find it saps me.
What makes me happiest is… being with my family. It’s the love of them; that’s the flip side of the challenge. What you get back is immense, it’s worth it for sure. And you don’t fully get that until you’re a bit older, and you realize that actually it all comes back to family and what would you be doing without them? How much rock ‘n’ roll is there? I’ve been out; I’m ready to be home.
The last thing I think about at night before I go to sleep is… them. It’s the whole package; it’s providing for them. At home we’re both freelancers so “we’ve enough money to get to February” is a line we say a lot at home.
Deirdre O’Kane plays one of Ireland’s best-known “Irish Mammies” and has partnered up with Irish Life to launch their new campaign urging the devoted Irish Mammies of Ireland to look after themselves as well as they look after everyone else in the family.
New research carried out by Irish Life highlights just what we all were afraid of … we’re turning into our mothers.
According to the study:
- Almost one in three of us admit to spying on our children in general
- Just 6% of us have friended their child under an alias on Facebook
- Six in 10 of us have found ourselves saying that ‘leaving your hair wet will give you a cold’
- Over half of us, Irish Mammies, have told their children ‘We’re not made of money’
At least we’re in good company, Deirdre O’Kane is right there with us:
“I’m guilty of them all except the Facebook one about inventing an alias. I’d never do that, it’s an intrusion. That’s one step too far. But you have to be on it, you have to know what’s going on, that’s your job.”
Deirdre O’Kane headlines Bray Comedy Club in The Martello this Friday.
