Some of this might sound familiar…
There was a point, not so long ago, that I was so over being pregnant that I seriously considered getting the car jack out, cranking my cervix open and welcoming the baby into the world myself.
Too graphic? Sorry, that was pretty graphic but that, my friends, is what the best part of a year spent hosting a foetus in your womb will do to a person.
Here are the signs that you are over being pregnant…
1. You’re weirdly starting to like the creepy, chalky texture of Rennies
Or insert your fave heartburn remedy here.
2. You’re giving very real consideration to pissing yourself
Such is the frustration with going to the jacks for a wee every ten goddamn minutes.
3. You’re doing the John Wayne. Permanently.
It’s such a specific look, that ‘I’ve got a bowling ball between my legs’ waddle.
4. You go to the loo and actually feel surprised not to see the baby’s head peeping up at you from between your legs because….
IT LITERALLY FEELS LIKE IT’S IN OUR KNICKERS NOW!!!!
5. Your eyes are burning from tiredness by mid-afternoon
But at three in the morning you’re wide-a-f*cking-wake because Mother Nature has a sick, twisted sense of humour. Preggo insomnia is a very real, very rage-inducing phenomenon.
6. You can often be found in really bizarre positions, like lying in a chair with 43 pillows squeezed around you and a jam jar wedged into the small of your back…
… Because it’s weirdly more comfortable than any of the other 86 poses you’ve tried today so far.
7. Getting into and out of the car is basically a physical impossibility
A small forklift would be our ideal mode of transport now.
8. You sound like Darth Vader after ascending a small flight of stairs
And you don’t even care anymore.
9. Even just trying to come up with a baby name seems like effort
Everything is effort now that you weigh about 85 stone and there’s what feels like a fully grown man doing some slam dancing inside your pelvis.
10. You catch yourself thinking “I can’t wait ’till this baby comes out so I can get some rest”
That’s a true indicator of just how far OVER being pregnant you are and a pretty dangerous line of thinking as all seasoned mamas will tell you.
How far over being pregnant are you? Feel free to have a little therapeutic rant in the Facebook comments…
