A few weeks back, I sent an email to a bunch of my friends who are parents and asked them to email me their confessions about stuff they’ve done.
I promised anonymity. I will deliver anonymity to everyone involved; everyone involved, that is, except me.
So, here goes: When Andrew, now five, was really small, he was asleep on my chest. I was lying on a giant bean-bag. I really needed to pee but, obviously, couldn’t move without waking him up. Bizarrely, Andrew managed to pee through his nappy and onto me. I was covered in wee and so, rather than wake him, I just went in my clothes. Not my finest hour.
The rest are from my friends. God help all of our kids.
“I dropped my phone and it smashed to pieces. I threw it in a petrol station bin and blamed our daughter for losing it by dropping it from the buggy while we were out walking. My wife felt sorry for me and got me an iPhone 6.”
“I cannot stand the noises my kids make when they eat. I send them into another room to eat apples.”
“My mother-in-law and I don’t get on. I tell the two boys she’s a witch in disguise. My wife kills me for it. Last time she was over, my two-year-old shouted, “Witch! Witch!” and ran away.”
“I once did the dad thing of throwing my son in the air and catching him but I dropped him and caught him between my legs. I’ve never told anyone.”
“We used to turn our daughter the other way in the cot in our room so she couldn’t see us when we wanted to, you know, “make” her little brother. Now that we did, we’re too tired to be making any more kids so he doesn’t get turned around.”
“We live in Sydney, where I’m a graphic designer. I sent my Mam a few pictures from our daughter’s christening. We never actually baptized her because we’re both atheists and I just faked them in Photoshop. I don’t regret it. She’s happy and so are we.”
“My son came down one night and caught me eating a tub of ice cream. I told him it was it was medicine.”
“My son puked on a rug in his bedroom. Before I could clean it up, the dog ate the puke. I then puked on the rug.”
I am David Zachary John Moore. I am married to Tracy (who used to be Velcro Girl on 2Phat). We have four kids: Andrew is 5, Samuel is nearly 3, Nina and Anna are twins and, as of today, are 5 ½ months old. We have a dog called Lorna, a lurcher we rescued in 2005. She can leap a 9-foot wall in one go. I am tired.
