Maria is a mother of three and a lone parent who lives in County Wicklow.
Her only income is a reduced lone parent’s payment. After Maria’s teenage son moved in with his father and his father’s wife, Maria’s ex sued her for maintenance. Maria was court-ordered to pay some of her lone parent’s payment to her ex, who along with his wife works full time.
Maria is looking after her two younger children and is dreading another stressful and expensive Christmas. A few years ago, things got so bad that she had to “cancel” Christmas and leave her children “I Owe You” letters from Santa on Christmas morning.
“My kids got an “I owe you” letter from Santa. As soon as I could get some money, they got their presents with another letter from Santa… The emotional pressure is huge. I can’t give them what they deserve, but they understand.”
Understandably, the mother of three is especially worried about how she will cope with the expense of Christmas this year as her income barely covers the essentials like rent and food.
“This year is probably worse, because there’s even less money as I have to pay maintenance for one of the kids who went to live with his father.”
Many lone parents say they find loneliness to be the most emotionally difficult part of Christmas. Fiona from Dublin is a mother of three young children and says she feels especially isolated at Christmas time.
“Being a lone parent is a very lonely thing but over Xmas, new years it really hits hard… you’re doing your best all through the year at being a Mom, and friends fade away at Xmas.”
Fiona highlighted the practical difficulties faced by lone parents at Christmas time. Many women have no time to be able to go shopping alone and buy presents for their kids.
“The main struggles I face are money wise, but also the shopping, finding the time to pick up presents, sort out Santy while having the children with me too.”
“Its tough not being able to get them what they want and always downsizing on their big present. Luckily they don’t ask for much and our happy with what they get on the day but in the back of my mind I feel inadequate.”
Emma from Clare convinces her son to ask for a surprise from Santa as she knows she is unable to afford to get him what he asks for.
“I find Christmas hard. It’s not just financial. I find it lonely. Even a trip to Santa can be hard they always ask, “Have you been good for Mammy and Daddy?” As for money, well from early on I knew Christmas would be on a budget so I’ve convinced my son to ask for a surprise.”
Many women become lone parents because of domestic abuse. Christmas can be a stressful time for these women, who may have to interact with their abusive ex-partners. Orla* from Cork has an ex-partner who makes life stressful for her and her children.
“My ex makes sure to make this season very difficult. He has started to say (to the children) “If you want to stay with mum and not me, I’ll make other plans and won’t be around.”
Louise Bayliss runs S.P.A.R.K Ireland, a support and advocacy group for lone parents. Louise says that for these parents, Christmas has extra levels of stress.
“Our families can feel “different” and excluded. Even simple logistics of doing Santa shopping can be a nightmare, before even adding in the financial strain. Managing children’s expectations can be difficult when they are being bombarded with commercialisation and happy clappy images of the smiling nuclear family.”
“Christmas access can be another source of trauma, when suddenly the parent who may have had no interest in the child during the year, suddenly wants equal access over Christmas. Even worse is when a child yearns for contact and the phone never rings. Instead of being a time of joy, for many lone parents it is a time when we are most acutely aware of past disappointments in our lives.”
Louise said lone parents are some of the most resilient people in Ireland, as they have to be in order to survive. She says that despite the social stigma, the physical, emotional and financial stress of parenting alone, lone parents are trying their best to create a magical Christmas for their children.
“We still enjoy the smiles of our children on Christmas day and any strain we are feeling can be soothed by their joy and love.”
*Name changed.
