15 Rage-Filled Thoughts We All Have When Cleaning The (Goddamn) House
I LOVE the idea of a clean house. I mean, who doesn't? But after a busy week of trying to manage the logistics of two full time jobs, creche, school, dinners and laundry, come the weekend, our house has usually reached apocalyptic levels of chaos.
So when we all get home on Friday afternoons, wrung out from our respective weeks, I give the family my now-weekly pep-talk about the niceness of having a lovely clean house. This is completely lost on my 5-and 2-year-olds, who, if their enthusiasm when it comes to tidying is anything to go by, would have no issue living with one of those Extreme Hoarders people.
And to be honest, my little speech doesn't really seem to do anything for their father either, who, the minute I mention words like "hoover" and "mop", mumbles something about the house not being that bad, and how his knee is still sore from the football training he did last Tuesday.
Riiight... As usual, it dawns on me that no-one else is going to lift a finger in attempt to make our home seem more house and less hovel. And so while I yet again find myself angry-cleaning at lightning speed, with nothing to cheer me up other than the glass of wine waiting at the other end, here are 15 thoughts that always seem to pop into my head right about now:
1. We have WAY too many toys! Seriously, there are whole villages in China kept in employment making plastic junk for my kids to play with.
2. I'm gonna throw half of this s**t out and I don't care if they cry! (Ok, maybe not half, but A LOT).
3. I am EXACTLY like Cinderella.
4. I am NEVER buying raisins again. (picks raisins from the bottom of my socks)
5. Whoever decided to make blue toothpaste does not have kids (or at least their kids were taller and able to spit INTO the sink, not just ONTO it!)
6. HOW MANY SOCKS CAN A FAMILY OF FOUR HAVE?! Especially ones missing the other match?! Are our socks fleeing in the night for a better life and leaving their partners behind? Why can’t they stay together and make it work? Our house is like the Hollywood of socks!
7. I need wine!
8. How is it POSSIBLE for pasta sauce to splatter from the table and all the way over to the opposite wall?!
9. Is that apple juice?! (I have a semi potty trained toddler. There is a real chance it is NOT apple juice...)
10. I need wine!
11. How HARD can it be to stack the dishwasher?!
12. How can there be bits of last night's fish-fingers INSIDE the bath tub?!
12. The floor is NOT a shelf! Also, why does everyone seem to undress all over the house?! THIS IS NOT A STRIP CLUB!
13. I am too nice for my own good! Next week, let them clean up their own s**t!
14. Right, I am literally just gonna clean the rest of the house with baby wipes!
15. WHERE IS MY WINE?! Oh, and the house looks great, well done me!
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