Obviously, there’re the toddler milestones that we all eagerly anticipate: walking, talking, sleeping all night (this is going to happen eventually right????? Please someone reassure me).
Then there are the lesser-known toddler milestones that are a mix of deeply infuriating and achingly sweet…
10 Toddler Milestones No One Ever Tells You About:
1. The first time they say “I love you” back
“I love you, I love you, I love you.” I’d been chanting this at my son for 2 and a half years straight and NADA. Then (FINALLY, I mean c’mon I invented you dammit) he said it back. “I Ove You, Muma.” F*ck me; I nearly died from the cuteness.
2. The first time you actually want to slap them
The thought flashes across your brain, and you feel disgusted with yourself. The 80th time you want to slap them you just shrug and kick a kitchen press, don’t judge – along with all the cute, the toddler years are a head-wrecking time.
3. The first time you give them the finger behind their back
Maybe this is just me…
4. The first ever RUNNING HUG
Oh my god, my feels. These days the running hugs are violent enough to knock me and my pregnant belly down, but it’s still the nicest I’ve ever felt after being pushed to the floor and jumped on repeatedly.
5. The first time you think “Just F*CKING EAT IT!!!!!!!!!!!”
The eating thing with my one is a minefield. Every time I do something really innocuous like cut the toast wrong, his reaction prompt feelings of utter despair and amazement at how someone as inept as I clearly am can continue to live.
6. The first time you think “At least he’s eating something…”
After he eats a cigarette butt in the park (just me again?).
7. The first time they make a joke
Babies truly are hilarious little beings, though for the most part, at first, it’s not exactly on purpose. The first on-purpose joke is pretty momentous. My one went the physical comedy route with an elaborate nude scarf dance. On second thoughts perhaps this was not a deliberate joke…
8. The first time they say “please” and “thank you” UN-F*CKING-PROMPTED
“I am a parenting GOD,” you think. “All other parents should bow down before my greatness.” Then you cut the toast wrong again.
9. The first time they give you cheek
So annoying, but also so funny. My one was refusing to leave the park so I said: “okay, muma’s going home without you…” and did the old pretend to leave thing. To which he replied, smirking “Ba Bye,” accompanied by a sarcastic little wave.
10. The first crush
My son’s first crush was Jenny, a beautiful Spanish girl from his creche. She was 26. He’s pretty advanced, I guess.
What did I miss? Tell us your favourite little-known toddler milestones in the comments…
