“I was a bit sad I would never have a daughter.”
Nature has an incredible way of balancing things out. Ensuring that an equal amount of men and women exist for procreation purposes is just one of them.
In Ireland in 2021, there are 2,468,599 people legally recognised as men and 2,463,622 recognised as women. I find it mind-blowing how close those figures are, and that neither gender ever takes a big lead.
This means, of course, that you have a 50/50 chance of conceiving a boy or a girl. You may presume you’ll have a girl because your siblings gave you a gaggle of nieces, or that boys ‘run in the family’, but that theory has been discredited. Science says, it’s purely down to chance.
Of course, a person’s sex is always subject to correction later on if they don’t identify with their assigned gender. Let’s make that clear from the get-go.
Waiting until delivery to discover the assigned sex of your child is surely the ultimate suspense. Even if you have no preference, or you really don’t subscribe to gender narratives, the sex of your baby, for better or worse, plays such a huge part in their life. That tiny detail tells you so much about the tiny person you haven’t even met yet.
When I had my child there was never any danger of me waiting to find out because, on some level, I knew I had a secret preference. With this in mind, I surveyed the HerFamily community this week to see if I was alone in this somewhat shameful admission.
Almost 4,000 of you responded and I thank you for your honesty.
A whopping 61% of you admitted that you had, secretly or otherwise, a preference over gender.
47% of you found out the gender of your baby during pregnancy.
The most interesting statistic by far to emerge was that 25% of you admitted to feeling disappointed on discovering that your baby wasn’t the gender you had hoped for.
Of course, this is a temporary emotion and in all cases was no doubt long gone by the time the baby arrived. But if you’re feeling this way, know that you’re not alone and like most things in parenting, it’s all normal.
Here’s what some of you had to say:
“All my friends had girls so I felt I would be left out of I had a boy. Now that feels so stupid.”
“I’d actually be worried about having a second in case it was a boy. I really just don’t want a boy at all.”
“Expecting second baby and only wanted two babies, so I was initially disappointed to get the same again.”
“I’d have loved a girl. I’ve two sons now, but I wouldn’t change them for the world.”
“I would have loved a boy after three girls.”
“Yes, I was a bit sad I would never have a daughter. But I knew I would adore my son, like his brothers.”
“Everyone I know had boys, for the last five years. I found out she was a girl. Kept it to myself for a few days to get excited.”
“Only at first. Was quickly very delighted!”
When can you find out the gender of your baby?
I think it’s important to mention that the opportunities for finding out the gender of your baby mostly arise during medical tests that exist to establish far more important things. I have heard many stories of sonographers having to remind pregnant people who are preoccupied with gender, that there are bigger fish to fry first. It’s something to keep in mind before you rock up to your scan with gender reveal balloons in hand.
One of the earliest ways to discover the baby’s gender, that doesn’t involve swinging a ring on a necklace over your palm, is by having an NIPT (Non-invasive prenatal test), such a the Harmony Test, between 10 and 11 weeks.
A Harmony Test analyses DNA in maternal blood and gives a strong indication of whether the baby is at high or low chance of having Down syndrome, Edwards syndrome or Patau syndrome. It’s completely safe and has for the most part replaced older, more invasive screening for these syndromes.
Apart from the vital medical results, your doctor will also be able to tell you, with almost no margin of error, what the assigned gender of your child is.
You can, of course, also get a pretty good reading of gender at your 20-week scan. This is known as the fetal anatomy scan, or anomaly scan.
It’s not quite as accurate, as you’re relying on catching a glimpse of your baby’s genitalia during the scan. As the many people who’ve been expecting a Phoebe but delivered a Pheebo will tell you, you can’t bank on the results.
I had a Harmony Test at 10 weeks as recommended, because I was 39 years old and therefore terribly geriatric in the eyes of the medics. I took the test for what many would call ‘the right reasons’ — to discover if there was anything important I needed to know about my baby’s health. Was I also excited that I could find out the gender, way earlier than realised? You betcha.
I’ll never forget the taking the phone call from my GP. I had been nervously waiting for the results for two or three days and I needed to hear him say my baby was ok. I had imagined the words over and over in my head until I drove myself half crazy.
He put me out of my misery right away, saying “I’m calling to let you know everything is fine”. I appreciated that so much — no dillydallying.
While the relief washed over me, I heard him say. “Now, you know I can tell you the gender if you want? I know you said you’d like to know, but are you sure you want me to tell you now?” Double and treble checking is presumably standard here, in case of accidently blurting something out. I assured him I wanted to know. I had a ringing in my ears and a red, hot face. It was honestly one of those ‘life flashing before your eyes’ moments.
“You’re having a little boy”, he said.
I was stunned. It was probably going to be one or the other, so I don’t know why I was so surprised.
I think I thought Murphy’s law would dictate that it would end up being the ‘other’. All I’ve ever wanted is a boy, you see. Why? I honestly have no idea. Possibly because I have nephews that I adore. Who knows?
Instantly, my baby was a real person to me. I felt the biggest rush of love I’ve ever experienced, beaten only when I actually met the little man. I thought I’d cry at this news, but I was just so incredibly giddy. It was pure happiness. I felt like I was high.
Would I have felt the same if I’d discovered I was having a girl? I like to think that I would. I think it was the relief that he was ok, coupled with the sense of things becoming more real that had me on Cloud 9, and not just discovering that I’d won the gender lottery. However, just in case it had taken me a minute to process the information, I’m so happy I found out when I did. Maybe I would have needed some time to get my head around having a girl. Maybe I wouldn’t.
The conclusion I draw from all of this is an obvious one — that every child is the biggest blessing imaginable. And that’s the biggest understatement I’ve ever typed. But if you have very strong feelings either way about the gender of your unborn baby, finding out in advance is probably a good idea, so you have time to get your head around it… And GET EXCITED!
