I have had three miscarriages on my journey to motherhood. I also have two beautiful 'rainbow' babies too (not exactly still babies, but always in my eyes!). Both pregnancies after I miscarried were full of relief and joy while being fraught with nerves and tainted with wandering negative thoughts – all at once.
It's a conundrum. You know you're lucky to be expecting again, but the fear of miscarriage is inescapable. I know I am not alone. Not one bit. More than one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage – that's around 14,000 women in Ireland each year.
It's such a common, everyday occurrence. But that doesn't make it any less important, any less tragic for the couple who experience it. Whatever stage it happens for you and your partner, it's the loss of a baby, of your hopes, of a tiny little jumping bean with a heartbeat that had so much potential to become your joint creation. Your little baby.
Nothing prepares you for it; nothing makes you forget it. In time, the pain fades. You grieve (you must grieve), then you must move on. And when or if you discover you're expecting again, a flood of new emotions surface.
Everyone's narrative is different depending on your own unique situation and loss, but just as miscarriage often gets ignored or swept under the carpet, so too does the acknowledgment that your pregnancy can take on extra stress that few really understand.
1. When the pregnancy test is positive
You're happy, then sad, then happy again. Thrilled to learn you conceived, all is fine. You feel like the luckiest girl alive. Then, like a slap in the face, reality kicks in – could it really end the way it did before? And the anxiety kicks in. It's hard not to burst with excitement, but something holds you back a bit. Fear is part of grief; it's also part of being human in a completely unpredictable situation. Tick tock... the wait begins.
2. Every day is a mental tick off the calendar
Depending on when the miscarriage occurred before, you use this date as your ultimate test. It may as well hold the same significance as making it to 40 weeks in you and your partner's heads. If you can just get past the week you miscarried last time; you're on the home stretch. Every single day is a little milestone towards that week, the ultimate 'milestone' – the calendar watching continues.
3. Checking your knickers every time you go to the toilet
I mean EVERY time. For me, this stopped after my 'milestone' date each time. Every time you check and there's no sign of spotting, it's like you've won the knicker lottery. You high-five yourself in the toilet and things are all good again. Until the next toilet visit...
4. Racing ahead on the week-by-week guides
Wishing the weeks away, you read ahead on all the pregnancy guides – wishing and hoping that you are almost at that week gives you a weird sense of comfort, you're almost there, aren't you? Technical you are, you tell yourself, anyway.
5. Talking yourself into positivity
Stay positive. Stay positive. Stay positive. Repeat this about a thousand times a day. Easy, right?
6. Replaying your actions
Miscarriage isn't your fault. I know that. You know that. Every doctor says it. But when you get pregnant again, you turn to the cotton wool and quite literally wrap yourself right on up. It's almost like any sudden move might make you miscarry. You recoil from anything that's too involved, too strenuous, too active. You know you're acting slightly mad, but you also know that if you do every single thing by the 'book,' if it does happen again, you won't be able to blame yourself at all this time. Because... guilt happens, even though you know deep down there is nothing you did to cause it.
7. Really appreciating every little growth spurt, every scan
Once you're over your 'milestone' time – whatever month that may be for you, you can really start to enjoy your pregnancy. Every scan is a major win, every little growth spurt (no matter how painful) is super-exciting. Every breath of being pregnant is AMAZING. You can appreciate every teeny part, even the bad days, even the side-effects because you've made it this far and you haven't miscarried. The baby is still inside growing away. THIS. IS. HAPPENING.
*These were my own experiences and are not indicative of everyone's experiences after miscarriage.
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