As any adult who has spent a rainy day indoors with a small child nipping at their heels knows: baby classes can save your sanity.
The charming Bake-Off winner Nadiya Hussain spoke recently about how going to classes lifted her out of isolation and helped her through a really tough time in her life.
When you’ve run out of books to read and toys to play with and your kitchen floor is covered in so much food that you can’t remember whether you have tiles or wooden flooring, it can be a life saver to head to a communal space with other adults who own a small, mad person.
On the other hand, when you look around at all the other glassy-eyed parental units waving maracas or singing bland tunes you’ve already heard 600 too many times this week, it can feel like any cool you once had has just evaporated. Flatlined. It’s gone. Vamoosh.
To make myself (and you) feel better I’ve decided to compile a list of the best and worst types of baby classes. See if you can spot which one I made up.
WORST
- Failed singer/songwriter hosts vanity project music class. She/He is perfectly groomed, has merchandise and a Britney-style headset, even though the space is not much bigger than your front room. They have a backing guitarist, branded clothing, uncomfortably sexy dance moves and like to freestyle the lyrics to talk about how Mummy stays at home while Daddy earns money. Winky face, LOL. SHOOT ME NOW.
- Middle Class Mombie Meet-Up. Basically just a load of poor, knackered cows like yourself who are going quietly insane at home (see above), so they meet up in an overpriced coffee house to talk about babies, because they have nothing else in common. Cue lots of competitive Mumming ‘Oh so your two-week-old splodge isn’t walking yet? Poppy started playing the violin in utero. Isn’t she hilarious!”
- Anything more than 20 minutes from your front door.
BEST
- Effortlessly chill man/woman with guitar and a few props, singing a mixture of songs that don’t all make you feel like you want to Van Gogh your aural cavities. Said chilled dude usually wears Converse and a slouchy jumper and has kids of their own, so the props come without exposed blades and have been sterilised. Expect a lot of drool.
- Baby Sensory – jelly type stuff for the squidge to stick their fat hands or feet into, brightly coloured everything, scratch and sniff play area, probably more songs and usually some bubbles. I mean bubbles really goes without saying. Who doesn’t like bubbles?
- Mummy and baby massage and cake den. Gentle, softly spoken nannies take your baby to a nearby, soundproofed but visible pod where you watch them play happily. Meanwhile Chris Hemsworth massages your feet and Jake Gyllenhaal brings you cake and coffee… And it’s free.
Although it may not always seem like it, it’s usually worth the military style operation that it takes to get both yourself and your child dressed and out the door. Even if you just end up at soft play or the park, it’s amazing how much good a change of scenery will do for you both.
Nessa Wrafter is an Irish girl living in London where she works as a writer, scriptwriter, voice actor and producer. She travels between London and Dublin with her brand new hubbie, and gorgeous new baby boy.
