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21st July 2017
02:52pm BST
Mum-of-two and parenting blogger, Emma Lou Harris, has shared an experience that most parents dread; getting caught in the act by her three-year-old daughter Frankie.
Emma Lou (29) says things got frisky as a result of her partner Joe Nolan (30) emptying the dishwasher - it's the little things isn't it mamas? The Limerick mum's description of what happened next is, quite frankly, one of the funniest things we've read this year...
"There's an inevitable moment in every parent's life when your children catch a glimpse of something you'd much rather they didn't. Something that the retinas of any grown adult human would need a full lifetime (and then some) to erase from their traumatised memory boxes - but your own child? Fortnightly shrink sessions for life and replacement eyes are a must. And I would give serious consideration to hypnosis."Believing that the kids were fast asleep, the blogger says her partner's housekeeping tipped things over the edge:
"I'd had two full beers that night and Joe had emptied the dishwasher without having to be asked. I knew right then and there it was game on. Pants. Off! Things were getting heated. We were just getting to the bit of the act about half way through where you actually consider going professional and you wonder why you ain't teaching these kinda moves on some sort of intense weekend course for beginners. Ye know, you're about two minutes in and all of a sudden bitches be thinking they some sort of Christian and Anastasia yoga instructors. It was getting hotter then Satan's ball sack and I was trying to hold in the noises. There was nail digging, hair pulling and headboards knocking and we were JUST about to be reminded whyyyyyyyyy the HELL I ever put up with this bollox leaving his crap all over the house when suddenly... Mammmmmmmmy??????????"
The hilarious mama tells us that panic then ensued:
"My panic sweat glands jump into emergency mode busting open like a military operation and my vagina zips itself up to my back immediately before I've even had a chance to turn my head. I look up to see a moving smudge of colour in a 'my little pony' night gown rubbing its eyes and whinging. I pray to the baby Jesus that we have a poltergeist and I also pray it's legally blind. In that same split second I hear a small girl scream . It's Joe, it was the noise accompanied by him leaping off me higher than a kangaroo hurdler while very nearly giving himself a home circumcision from the ceiling fan in the process. I watched him, almost in slow motion fly through the air in panic, the anaconda swerving all over the place threatening to strangle me to death in the act."It transpired that three-year-old Frankie had lost her soother in her bed and wanted her mum to look for it:
"Me and Joe stay awake all night staring at the ceiling and speak not one word to each other. I don't know what she saw that night. I can't say for definite if she saw too much or if she saw anything at all. All I know is, if in the future, my poor, poor innocent child ever comes to me and tells me she remembers a very vivid dream where two large warthogs were trying to give each other a hoosh over a wall or that two friggin' tapers where playing an aggressive game of twister, well... I guess I'll have my answer. Myself and Joe are due to finish our Trauma Counselling sometime in the year 2045."
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