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17th July 2015
04:30pm BST
2. At the first scan. Ah, there's your little jellybean hopping about on the screen. The teeny, tiny heart is beating. THIS. IS. HAPPENING.
3. The moment you pull the freshly-washed newborn baby clothes out of the machine and realise a living doll is going to be wearing them very soon. Your living doll. A real one.
4. The labour. This is about as intense as it gets. In fact, it is the most intense moment of your life. Until the next labour, of course. Your body is amazing. You are Wonder Woman.
5. Meeting your baby. There are not enough adjectives to describe this moment, but to give you a gist: It's a mixture of extreme relief the baby is out of you, that means the labour is over, no more pregnancy and STOP. THE. LIGHTS – there's a baby on my chest and it's mine. Ours. Part me; part him. Intense love flows up from the pit of your tummy and mixes with a dose of Sunday night fear upon realising your job is now to keep it alive...
6. Mastering your first day alone with the baby. Quite possibly the scariest moment of your life. Suddenly you have nobody to make you a cup of tea or a sandwich; you're all alone with a baby and it's your solely your responsibility to not f*ck it up.
7. Going back to work from maternity leave. Scary and emotional on so many levels. Somebody else has probably been doing your job; now you have to try and do it with the same polish having had five hours sleep. Every day. Then, there's the issue of what the hell to wear? What did you wear before puked-stained tracksuits became the latest new-season fashion for you? And, how do I turn on a computer again? And how am I going to leave my little buddy who I've spent every waking (lots of waking) moments with for the past six months. Fear of bejasus.
8. The toddler tantrum. They're distressed, they're flailing about like miniature monsters – screaming, crying and generally embarrassing you. Toddlers be crazy. And they induce craziness in you. My tip? Play dead and hope it stops sooner rather than later.
9. The first day of school. I never understood why people made such a big deal about their little ones starting school. Until mine did. There is no prouder moment, and no life-affirming moment like it. You did it; they did it. You created a tiny human, nurtured it, grew it and moulded it in a sufficient enough way to hand it over to a trained professional to help with future growth. High fives all-round.
10. The heart-wrenching pain when you don't see them. Some days you feel it after a mere few hours away from them, and some are so busy you hardly think about them. Then you walk by a baby or a child and a sudden urge comes over you to walk up and give them a whopping great big hug. Primal.
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