If you’re a new parent, know this: You have no idea how perceptive your offspring are until they repeat one of your swear words back to you.
Rest assured that when they do decide to try out the magic expletive for the first time, it’ll be in a harsh and public parenting spotlight. Mass, maybe. Or at the local Montessori gluten-free bake sale.
To reduce the risk of raising a toddler with a mouth like a sailor, it’s generally best to reign in your own bad word usage as early as possible. That way, when you search for worthy alternative, you’ll have a selection of options ready to go.
Here are a few of our HerFamily team favourites:
1. Oh, Barnacles.
If anyone knows a good expletive swap, it’s Spongebob. Use this one instead of the dependable ‘Oh Boll*cks’
2. Cheese and rice!
Not only will this one save your little one’s ears, it may also save your soul from eternal damnation.
3. Holy schnikes
A worthy replacement for the ubiquitous ‘Holy Sh*t’, this may also have a similar benefit to No. 2.
4. Chuck it
As in ‘Chuck that, chuck them, chuck him, chuck her, chuck it all… chuck this ship.’ Get the drift?
See also: Pluck it
5. Shut the front door
A handy one for when your most gossipy mate comes over to spill on her neighbour’s affair.
6. Shitake mushrooms!
Stubbed your toe? Stood in the cat’s water bowl again? Located a piece of Lego with your bare foot? Shitake Mushrooms are your only man.
7. William Shatner
This one is more satisfying to say, particularly when you put the accent on the surname.
8. Mother puffin
As in, ‘the mother puffin gas bill needs to be paid’, or ‘that mother puffer stole my parking space’.
9. Flying ducks
As in, ‘I don’t give a flying duck’ or ‘This is a flying duck fest’.
10. What the frak?
Nerd alert: this is a Battlestar Galactica reference but it’s an excellent fake profanity.
What are your go-to fake swear words as a parent? Let us know in the Facebook comments.
