We’re all dirty liars! I was thinking about this on Sunday after I had finished telling my 127th lie of the day. I’m not a parent. I’m not a Dad. I’m a liar.
That’s all I do. I lie to my kids. Like ALL the time. Here are some of the lies I tell on a regular basis:
1. “No, Sam, because if you eat farm biscuits for breakfast, all of your teeth will fall out.”
Well, this is an utter falsehood. Farm biscuits, which I think are actually called “Animal Farm Biscuits”, may contain some sugar, but they are not going to result in my son looking like one of those weird, northern England gurning champs or those celebs on the internet with their teeth photoshopped out.
2. “If you eat one more spoon of broccoli, you’ll have big muscles like The Hulk/Ronaldo/Daddy*!”
*delete as appropriate
Related to number 1 there. Look, you won’t get massive muscles. Not from broccoli. Or green beans. Or carrots. Inject some anabolic steroids into your hoop and do 90 hours a week in the gym for nine months and we’ll see what happens.
3. “Daddy’s just doing some work on his phone. You watch the cartoons there while I complete this really tricky equity liquidation before the Japanese stock market closes and the sovereign wealth fund disappears down a great big fiduciary sinkhole.”
What I really mean to say is that I’m playing Ian Dempsey in
Words With Friends and he’s just played Yeptile for 127 points! WTF?!?
4.“Go to bed. Mammy and Daddy are going now in a minute. We can stay up a bit later than you so that we can tidy up for a minute.
Wine. Chocolate. Wine. Chocolate. Goodnight.
5. “Of course I’ll miss you when I’m at work. I can’t wait to get home and play squash Play-Doh into Daddy’s hair again!”
WORK! I’m going to work! YES! I have meetings. With adults. Nobody has wet themselves (that I know of), and nobody is crying because their Rice Krispies got soggy. WORK!
Bye! See ya! Bye!
6. “Ok, time to turn off the telly. You’ll get square eyes.”
Eh, you bloody won’t. Nothing will happen your eyes. When you go to bed, I watch entire seasons of
Million Dollar Listing NYC and my eyes are fine. I want to punch Fredrik a bit but my eyes are fine.
7. “Oh, no we can’t go to [insert really fun place here] because it’s closed...at 3:15pm...on a Saturday.”
I can’t take another walk around Smyths Toys while you and your brother compete to see who can pull the most toys off the shelves before wetting yourself in the Barbie aisle. Let’s just abandon rule number six and put on more cartoons.
8. “I don’t know.”
An absent-mindedly delivered, multi-purpose lie that is especially useful for the ever-questioning toddlers in your lives. I do know what’s up on that shelf, why the sky is blue and what Mammy’s favourite colour is but I’m too busy trying to beat Ian Dempsey at
Words With Friends to answer the thousandth question in a row. Come on, we’ve covered this!
9. “If you don’t [do whatever I have just asked you to do] the police are going to come and take you away!”
Look, if they’re not going to pick up their LEGO, I’m going for this terror-inducing lie. Cruel? Perhaps. Necessary? Probably not. Useful? Damn straight!
10. “Santa Claus is watching you, and he won’t bring you presents if you do that!”
Yes. I spend all year trying to introduce my kids to peer-reviewed science, in an attempt to encourage questioning minds and to reflect my sceptical view of the world but, if believing that an imaginary, fat, red-suited oul’ lad is, somehow, policing the disobedience of every child on earth from his house in the North Pole will make you stop biting your sister, then, screw it, I’m in.
I am David Zachary John Moore. I am married to Tracy (who used to be Velcro Girl on 2Phat). We have four kids. We have a dog called Lorna, a lurcher we rescued in 2005. She can leap a nine-foot wall in one go. I am tired. 
