Dogs and Kids: Can they all just get along?

We've had our dog, Lorna, for ten years now. We rescued her from Ash Animal Rescue in Wicklow, as a 13-week old pup. She looked a little like a chocolate lab but skinnier. We didn't realise she would turn into a lurcher, effectively the cats of the dog world. A sprint in the morning. A sprint in the evening. The rest of the day, curled up on the couch. Or spare bed. Or our bed, if we've forgotten to close the door to the bedroom. She was the apple of our eye, dressed in dog clothes from the finest NYC dog boutiques (yes, they exist) and wrapped in duvets on the couch, in case she felt even the slightest chill. Look, lurchers are fierce skinny, okay? Then, in 2009, Andrew was born. Lorna learned quickly that she was moving further down the pack pecking order and she seemed happy with that. Then, Sam came along. Then, the girls. Our attitude went from worship, the way the ancient Egyptians worshipped cats, to "did you feed the dog?" "Feed her? I haven't seen her since Wednesday!" "Where even is she?" The poor thing. We've made more of an effort of late but she can still put on those puppy-dog eyes and crush you with a sad look. There are, however, some realities you should know if you're thinking of adding children to a family with a dog already in it. Here are some things I've learned about kids and dogs: 1. Your dog doesn't want you to have kids Upsetting the balance of human, human, dog has consequences. In our house, this involved involved peeing on rugs and, in one instance, our bed. This is the closest we've come to a doggy divorce. 2. Your dog will get reefed all over the shop by your kids They are actually remarkably patient beasts. I've seen a plastic guitar dropped (accidentally) on her head while she was asleep. She just jumped up and left the sofa in the front room for the sanctuary of the sofa in the back room. No barking. No biting. Patient. She recently walked slowly in to me from the kitchen with one of the twins hanging out of her tail and squealing with the excitement of being dragged around. She just stared at me, with a kind of "well, what are you going to do about this then?" look. Saintly patience. 3. Your dog's cleanliness will be questioned much more regularly I get a phone call, at least once a week, from my otherwise calm and collected wife, screeching about the poo in the back garden. I get vivid descriptions of the frequency and quantity of the dog's bowel movements, the length of time it took to clean it all up, the health risk it poses to our babies, the reality that we will have to "do something" about the dog doo-doo and maybe the dog herself. I say nothing. I wait till the rant is over and my calm and collected wife returns, feeling better since she has vented, and we move on to other subjects. 4. Your kids' food will be the dog's food As soon as solid food is introduced to a baby's life, it is also introduced to the floor; the chair; the wall; the sofa; the list is endless. Dogs are clever. It doesn't take long for a cunning canine to realise that small people have terrible table manners and that they are, effectively, gurgling food-dispensers. I've heard Sam, barely two at the time, calling Lorna into the kitchen and up on to the kitchen table to finish off the dinner we told him he had to consume before watching Fireman Sam. She would never usually do that but, invited by a human, why not? Dogs will also take anything they can get their paws on, even food out of the paws of little ones. This will either be hilarious to the kid or the worst atrocity ever committed upon their person. Prepare for laughter and tears. 5. Your dog will cope. So will you. They are really great family pets. You will ABSOLUTELY have difficulties. Some of the kids who come to your home for play dates will be dog-o-phobic and you'll end up kicking them out into the back garden for the afternoon. Other kids will overly dote on the poor animal (see Thing 2) because their parents haven't succumbed to their begging and gotten them a dog yet. You'll get mad at the madra (the poo thing again) with good reason, I'm sure. Ultimately, though, the dog will find its place in the pack, settle into its new and different life and you'll all be a bigger, happier family. NOTE: These tips can be applied to almost all pets. Except cats. Cats have their own laws. They are not your pets. You are their pets. Remember that. I am David Zachary John Moore. I am married to Tracy (who used to be Velcro Girl on 2Phat). We have four kids: Andrew is five, Samuel is nearly three, Nina and Anna, the babies, are twins. We have a dog called Lorna, a lurcher we rescued in 2005. She can leap a nine-foot wall in one go. I am tired.