We have all heard stories about the Irish care system – good and bad – and the outlook for those in and coming through foster care is often tinged with pessimism and hopelessness.
Mental health issues, addiction, abuse, crime. Aside from the trauma of a child being taken from their natural family home, there are so many difficulties around placement and building a relationship with social workers. Then, it’s difficult to grasp how an eighteen year old is expected to make life-altering decisions without a strong family support network in place. Although many foster families offer continued support past their duty of care, the truth is that this is an extremely difficult time for the majority of care-leavers. In part two of our three-part foster care focus, I spoke with one young lady, *Grace, who did not have the best start in life but turned it all around as a result of hard work, resilience and meeting the right people.
1. Grace, you had a shaky start in life and were taken into foster care at a young age. Can you tell me about your most vivid memory you have of life with your biological mother?
My memories of my childhood are not great. I guess that in itself says enough about my relationship with Mammy. I do feel that alcoholism and Mammy’s issues robbed me of that – a happy childhood. When you haven’t lived with your Mam since you were 7, you don’t get those ‘Oh sure, when you were 4…’ and ‘Do you remember when…?’ stories that kids get told probably over and over. And, these are the stories they remember. These are what create the memories.
2. Thanks, Grace. Can you describe what it was like the night you and your siblings were taken away from your home and mother?
It is strange for me because it was not that night in itself that was hard. We just thought we were staying somewhere else for the night. It was my first night in my first foster home that was hard. I cried hysterically asking for Mammy but it had also sunk in and I knew – that was it. I was here. There was no other place to go. I would not see her for a while. In fact, I thought maybe she wouldn’t come back at all.
3.Were you separated from your siblings?
I was extremely fortunate that I ended up with my brother as I was originally meant to go to another county. Seeing my Mam and my sister were infrequent opportunities and largely dependent on Mammy taking my sister with her in HSE transport. So when we went through the difficult phases of not wanting to see Mammy, this meant not seeing my sister either. It was harder with my sister, she was so young (4) and being 64km away certainly did not help our relationship. This is by far one of the saddest after-effects, which regretfully still hurts us today. We were virtual strangers for a time and then more like distant relatives, rather than sisters. Fortunately, we managed to maintain a relationship in our late teens and into adulthood. We lived and fought together for a few years and recently she has moved back to the same town. I think we both feel it is the beginning of a new era for us.
4. Thankfully! What was it like moving into a new home where there is already a pre-made family at such a young age?
Moving in with strangers is never easy. It’s a really hard thing for everyone in the house. Nobody knows how it’s going to go, everyone has their own preoccupations and when all of a sudden you have got to share your room, your stuff and even your parents! Well, you can imagine that’s going to have its own problems.
5. What has your experience of social workers been like?
We had at least seven social workers over the eleven years. When you see so little of them, it makes it difficult to say they did the best they could. When they came, we met in the house, so it’s not exactly in an environment which builds a relationship and trust. Without a relationship and trust, how would you ever know if a kid was happy, if they felt safe and if they were confident enough to bring any of their difficulties to the person who makes all the big decisions in their life? I know caseloads are ridiculously tough and the work stressful, but this was no different when I went into care twenty-three years ago. What has been done since to rectify this? Do children in foster care now feel as isolated as I did?
I did have one Social Worker, Pauline, who I was allocated in my late teens. She was the only one to stand out in my mind. She encouraged me – she must have seen something in me or really was hopeful for the young people she worked with. Either way, it helped me believe in myself just enough to see me through a difficult transition from one home to another. Sadly, she finished around my eighteenth birthday to go to another job. I was happy for her but I would have loved to have had that relationship for a while longer as my life was beginning to change again. I was going to be leaving care and going to college. I wasn’t sure what else was going to change along with it. Was I still going to be able to stay in my foster house? I hadn’t been there that long – maybe they didn’t want me. They said they did, but they might change their mind. What would I do then?
6. Talk to me about the transition from child to adult – what supports had you?
It was hard because there is a part of you that always feels alone, even when you’re not. I was scared and had not built up my confidence in myself. I was very lucky because I had made good friends when I started school in my new town. We stayed friends through secondary school and still into third level when we were in different colleges. They kept me straight, they were good influences and I share some of my best memories of life so far with them. My foster parents were exceptional in supporting me through my Leaving Cert, helping me plan a future and through college. I even commuted my first year. I think it was a mixture of fear that I would go off the rails and a way to stay connected with them because at this point I was officially out of the system! I guess I feel that different people were pivotal at certain stages in my life. I am very lucky to have many of these people still in my life and I cannot thank them enough.
7. You are now married, own a home, have a job in the healthcare field and are studying all the time – how have you managed this after such a rocky road?
I have been really lucky, I met somebody who gets all of me and not just the good parts! When you have people who will stand by you and you know they will not just help you when you fall, but tell you it’s okay, it makes it easier to have some belief in yourself. I think we respect that we are two different people, we share a lot of interests but we can still appreciate the differences too!
8. What or who was your saving grace in your life? Then or now?
My saving graces were and still are my friends and family who always supported me, even when I made mistakes.
Music was always my escape when I felt life was overwhelming and when I needed to feel my way through the madness, the sadness and everything else you can’t understand.
Nowadays, it’s still both of those with the addition of a husband, an extended family, and all our animals who we love dearly even though they have taken over our house!
Thank you once again for sharing your story and enjoy your new family life.
If you are involved with the Irish Care System and require support for your family, please check out Sugru Psychological Wellness Services
Please also take the time to fill out this survey on your experience with the Irish care system.
