Feminism, for me, centres on choice. Women dictating what their choices are and being allowed to make them. No one size fits all.
When you’re a parent, these choices are fraught with a new type of anxiety that you never used to worry about. How you think longingly of the days when decisions were only made based on your own needs. Now, every job offer, every social engagement, every phone call… hell, every outfit has to take into account the small tyrant(s) of your heart.
As we all reel from the news that the most famous misogynist in the world is skipping up the yellow brick road towards the White House, feminism feels like it is having a dark day. However, in the heady weeks that led up to the election, the wonderful Louie CK talked about why he was voting for Hillary.
“It’s really exciting (to have) the first mother in the White House… a mother just does it. She feeds you, and teaches you. She protects you… she takes care of sh*t”.
I cheered inside. YES. We Mama Bears just get stuff done, because we have to. Sadly, the election played out rather differently, but that is a whole other conversation.
When Louis went on to say that a great father could give a kid 40 per cent of its needs, but a not-even trying mother gives 200 per cent, I was both chuckling and cringing: because I want to live in a society where both fathers and mothers can be at 200 per cent.
I can think of lots of households where the gender percentage is a lot more evenly balanced, but on the whole, society still doesn’t love the idea of stay-at-home Dads, which feels like a pretty major stumbling block to gender equality in parenting.
Most mothers are the go-to child minder and the person whose career comes second to her Motherhood. Now when a woman first gives birth, she often needs recovery time – for me it felt like I had done a ten month marathon, with an overnight boxing match at the finish line.
Going back to work right away may not be ideal, and so it makes sense for the person who hasn’t given birth to bring home the bacon. But after those early months, the rules of how to divide labour and finance are not always easy to figure out.
More than half of the countries in the European Union grant fathers paid paternity leave when a baby arrives – with the Scandis, unsurprisingly, leading the way in terms of equality. However, the really interesting thing is that uptake is low overall. It seems the lads need a little encouragement. And why wouldn’t they? Mama Bears can be so protective of their young cubs… or maybe it has something to do with the pay gap? Just a theory.
We live in a time where the world is trying to figure out what it means to be a male or female. We’re also beginning to disrupt the traditional role of Mother as nurturing, emotional, primary child carer, cleaner, cook and chief-finder-of-all-lost-items and Father as playful, financially responsible man-child. Reinforcing these definitions feels like a step backwards for a society that no longer thrives on 1950’s values. What the new definitions look like is a work in progress – maybe defining the roles is an outdated idea in itself.
There is the issue of Mum Guilt – if you are one, you’ll be familiar. I get it when I take time away from my child for ‘me time’. My husband and I share childcare because we’re both freelancers, (and it’s the only way I could be happy to live). I know that when he goes to play golf or hang with the boys, he doesn’t feel guilt, he just gets on and enjoys himself – and so he should, because he has earned it. I’m learning to do the same, but it doesn’t come naturally. I’m just not sure if that’s because an entire culture has been built around the idea that Mothers must be everything to our children, at all times.
Not to mention the hot potato of how to raise a child who believes in gender equality. I was just going to buy mine a cute babygro with ‘feminist’ on it, but I am led to believe that just won’t cut it. So I guess I’m gonna have to lead by example. I’m just glad he’s too young for me to have to explain about the US president.
Nessa Wrafter is an Irish girl living in London where she works as a writer, scriptwriter, voice actor and producer. She travels between London and Dublin with her brand new hubbie, and gorgeous new baby boy.
