If you’ve ever been pregnant, you’ve probably noticed that your every move and utterance is remarked on by all and sundry.
This can be hard to deal with as overnight you go from being an adult in control (ish) of one’s own life, to being treated like an infant. Even more irritating, people feel entitled to say whatever they like to you as you waddle along minding your own business. I’ve put together a helpful guide to aid in avoiding some of the worst perpetrators.
10 annoying people to AVOID while heavily pregnant:
1. The Horror Story-ist
The horror story is a national pastime and is, therefore, hard to completely ignore while pregnant but once you identify the Serial Horror Story Teller you can take steps to avoid them. Here are some things to look for when trying to identify an SHST: They start a lot of their anecdotes with “Oh my god, YOU’RE PREGNANT!” – This is said with unmistakable glee. They might continue with: “You won’t BELIEVE what happened to a friend of my cousin…” at this point, you should be experiencing alarm bells, commence moving away from this person rapidly before it is impossible to UNhear whatever horrific birth story is about to follow. And lastly, they never personally know the protagonist of the story, it’s always “Siobhán’s cousin, Maeve’s, boss’s daughter.
2. The Perfect Pregnant Person
I’m not trying to be a hater on women or anything, but there is a small percentage of the population that “do” pregnancy very well. They “feel amazing” and they don’t have varicose veins, the baby’s not sitting on a nerve, and they’re doing all the yoga and all the perineum massage, and they are top of the goddamn class. They are best identified by the fact that they are eight months pregnant and still slipping into their leather skinnies, oh and they don’t make an “Oomph” sound every time they sit down. If you are not a part of this select group then I suggest you avoid them at all costs and concentrate on eating for two and squeezing your pregnancy acne.
3. Your Mother
Or maybe this one should just be MY mother; she’s just really, really harsh about the whole pregnancy = getting fatter thing. Recent clangers include: “I wouldn’t show my upper arms if I were you” and “I didn’t show till I was at least seven months along!” It’s possible that she fell into the “select group” mentioned above, the specimens of pregnancy perfection.
4. Your Mother-in-Law
The mother-in-law is a bit like an extension of the Mother. Apparently, their generation didn’t put on so much weight, or they didn’t read all these ridiculous books, or they didn’t make such a fuss or whatever it may be that you’re doing that she has deemed unnecessary or ridiculous.
5. The Random Stranger Who Wants To Tell You How Goddamn FAT You Are
AVOID, AVOID, AVOID. It’s very hard to anticipate an encounter with this person and therefore difficult to extract yourself in time before they utter the “Oh my god, you’re HUGE” that they seem to think is a mandatory greeting for every pregnant person they meet.
6. Your Child Having a Tantrum
It’s not practical to avoid your own child all the way through pregnancy but if possible, politely excuse yourself from the situation whenever they start behaving obnoxiously. Obviously deciding to get pregnant again requires some suspension of disbelief. You have to pretend to yourself that all children are really manageable and lovely all the time, this can be difficult when your current child is screaming and kicking on the ground in the middle of the road where he flung himself after you tried to hold his hand. My advice: Limit contact during tantrums. Simples.
7. The Mother With The Newborn
Being confronted with the Mother With The Newborn is just too much reality for a pregnant person. Do not look into her hollow, deadened, sleep-deprived face; it is like starting into the abyss. Even if you’ve had kids already, no matter how much you think the exhaustion is still fresh in your mind, believe me, it’s probably not. There is some degree of amnesia at play here or else you wouldn’t have decided to get pregnant again.
8. The “Sleep Now Because After That Baby Comes…” Harbinger of DOOOOOOOOM
This person is DYING to tell you all about how shit your life will be after the baby arrives. They’re probably a few kids deep themselves and can’t remember how goddamn annoying this is. Have patience with this jaded mother; She becomes the Harbinger of Wine after the baby comes! She’ll actually be your best friend when you want to rant about chronic exhaustion and infant constipation and so on.
9. The *MAN* Who Knows More About Pregnancy Than You Do
This guy. Ugh, THIS GUY. I don’t want to name names here, but I have a random male acquaintance in my life who frequently lectures me on what I can and can’t do and eat and drink and manage now that I’m pregnant. Whatever about putting up with this coming from a woman, I canNOT tolerate it coming from a man. Especially a man who doesn’t actually know very many concrete facts about pregnancy, and is full of random misinformation about things like: My baby being breech (caused by certain types of exercise appara?); my being rhesus negative (“It makes no difference whatsoever.” Really? REALLY?); my putting myself at risk for gestational diabetes by BLA BLA BLA. You get the picture.
10. The Father of Your Child
What can I say? He’s just really pissing me off at this stage.
Are you preggers? Who’s pissing you off right about now? Let us know on Twitter @HerFamilydotie.
