10 Steps To Going MAD In The Queue For The Public Clinic in Holles Street

Step 1

Upon arrival….

Think: “Oh wow, so looks like I’ll be gestating and birthing this child in this chaotic mob-queue.”

Step 2

Getting your bearings.

Ask at least fourteen people if they are at the end of the queue.

Step 3

Abandon all logic and reason here.

Realise that there is no system.

Step 4

Finally, ascertain where the last person in the queue is.

Sit on bench behind them, realise you forgot the FUCKING Gaviscon. Disaster.

Step 5

Spend the next 4-19 hours shuffling along a zigzagging bench (because sit-shuffling is so comfortable when heavily pregnant).

Have the unnerving thought: “if they can’t enact a sensible, rational queuing system what hope do they have of delivering my child?” 

Step 6

Realise that a man (A MAN!!!! – representative of the race perpetrating these pregnancies) is SITTING DOWN.

Start to focus, with frankly dangerous rage levels, on the offender.

Step 7

Have “Testify” style moment when a woman with a clipboard marches through and tells all the men (impregnating PR*CKS) to stand up and let the pregnant women sit down.

Euphoria is short-lived as another hour crawls by and the queue starts to resemble the queue for the 5am Ryanair flight to Alicante at the height of July. Think with longing how much more comfortable a Ryanair flight would be compared to this queue.

Step 8

Resolve to bring an 8-course picnic next appointment

Starving and with no hope of sustenance realise that the HSE are seriously missing a trick here: a kebab vender in the corner would make a killing. The benefits would be two-fold: less hunger-induced incidents of rage and bolster the health service’s budget in one tasty move.

Step 9

Lose will to live 

Text The Man to bring food or risk divorce.

Step 10

Finally (FINALLLLLYYYYY) get to see a doctor

Realise anything is worth it for a baby. Feel bad for raging against the queue system (or lack thereof). 

And berate self for raging against the heroes who work in our maternity services. The nurses, midwives, and doctors are all doing a phenomenal job while being stuck in their own flawed system. 

But seriously, hire me as a queue consultant and I could implement a few positive improvements not least a kebab stand.

Ever raged in the public clinic queue? What are your suggestions to improve it?