The 10 thing no pregnant woman wants to hear, ever

Let's be clear: pregnant women are not to be messed with. They have little or no control over their hormones, bodily expansions, moods or farts. 

In our dreams, we are ethereal and gorgeous, basking in the pregnancy glow that Mother Nature has bestowed upon us, and strolling hand-in-hand with our partners, barefoot on sandy beaches. The reality is that are are less glowy and more sweaty from trying to get the new way-too-big buggy travel system to fit into the boot of our car, and are hoarse from roaring at our other halves to just put the effing cot together before the baby arrives. And if we are barefoot, it's because we can't comfortably reach our feet to get our shoes on. Flip-flops all the way, even in the dead of winter, isn't that right my lovely preggos? With that clarified, here are some handy tips for survival while in the company of a pregnant woman. You will thank me later when you get out the other side with your eyeballs intact.   1. Was it planned? Oh no, I absent-mindedly stumbled across a bit of fresh sperm one day whilst parking and can't believe my LUCK that I managed to get impregnated. Amazing question, 10 out of 10, bravo. 2. I'm after losing half a stone just by eating more burgers, it's so WEIRD! Dear Skinny Friend, I want you to take that statement and transform it into this: 'You look SO amazing and have a really neat bump. I hope I look nearly-not-pregnant-at-all at 8 months just like you some day'. 3. I am SO hungover Dear friend, colleague, other half and/or random non-pregnant person in the queue for the post office. Telling a pregnant woman that you have just had a rocking night out on the town that you KNOW she can't have herself, is like introducing the world to Hugh Jackman and then telling us he is married. Oh yes, that's already happened too. Excuse me while I lie down in the corner and cry. 4. Any chance of a ride? Here are your windows of riding opportunity: during the second trimester, but only after food has been consumed, but not too soon after food has been consumed in case, you know, pukage. And then when they due date is near and your partner is desperate to try anything to get things 'moving'. Other than that, 'Any chance of a ride?' is NOT allowed and should be replaced with 'Can I rub your feet' instead. God speed. 5. Would you bring in some coal from the garden? Asking a pregnant woman to carry anything other than the major load that's already being carted around in her womb ALL DAY is akin to hurrying past a person in a manually-operated wheelchair who is struggling up a steep hill. Ie. you're supposed to help. Got it? 6. Did you mean to pick that colour for the kitchen walls? Criticism in all it's forms will not be tolerated by pregnant women. A pregnant lady will make decisions that may seem unusual to outsiders at the time, and will very likely be regretted after the baby is born. But for now, when Preggo is adamant that she must open up a miniature pig orphanage in the spare room of your house, just nod and play along. 7. Are you still here? Ah look, get a grip. If the baby had come, you'd have heard by now. Leave me alone to sulk and figure out how to trick the maternity hospital into giving me a sweep at 38 weeks, ok? 8. I ate the last croissant in the fridge Do not eat the last ANYTHING in the fridge, cupboards, car, purse or local newsagents when you're around a pregnant woman. They are angry, hungry creatures who are roaming the house and neighbourhood, hoping to have their cravings satisfied. And woe betide the poor bastard who eats the last croissant when that's precisely what she wants at 4am. 9. My hens party is the exact same day as your due date, that's so funny! Coming? Em, no thanks, I don't think I can make that. Nothing more tragic than a drunk preggo lady on a disco boat on the Shannon having to be rushed to hospital coz her waters broke during The Macarena. 10. Is that smell.. you?! Shurrup.