At work in her clinic, Natural Fertility Specialist Jessica Bourke deals with all aspects of reproductive health. And she's learned a thing or two about people along the way...
1. Telling a woman who is dealing with fertility issues to ‘just relax and it will happen’ is akin to waving a red flag at a bull.
Apart from the very understandable, thinly-veiled rage a woman in this situation is likely to experience, statements like these completely undermine and devalue her feelings about her ability to conceive. In short, it’s extremely hurtful, so if you are talking to a friend about her fertility issues, choose your words wisely.
2. Chances are, you know someone who has been dealing with fertility issues but he/she hasn’t told you about it. The statistics for infertility are extremely high, at least one in six couples are estimated to experience difficulties, whether that be taking a long time to conceive or repeatedly miscarrying. I've lost count of the amount of times women have told me that a friend at work, a neighbour or even a family member have fallen pregnant, seemingly, without an ounce of effort and while they may smile and pass on their congratulations to these lucky ladies, they actually feel like crying and cursing the Gods for the sheer unfairness of it all.
3. Women tend to feel the stress of fertility issues more than their partners, but that doesn’t mean that men don’t feel it too. Granted, no man can ever experience the severe pangs of yearning that any woman dealing with fertility issues is likely to experience. That said, it can be very difficult for a man to watch his partner go through such chronic emotional upset and be unable to fix the situation. This lack of control and waiting for an event that has no guarantee of every occurring is exhausting. I generally advise men to take what their partner says with a ‘wheelbarrow of salt’, listen intently, offer plenty of hugs when she cries and remind her that you will get through this together. I encourage women not to take it personally if their partner isn’t spending hours every night researching on the internet and if he appears to be unfazed by the fertility issues you are going through. Remember: on the inside, he is probably hurting too.
4. Trust your instincts. I can’t say enough about this particular point. Don’t second guess yourself. It doesn’t matter what expert is sitting in front of you, it’s your body and you know it best. I have seen plenty of examples of this in my clinical practice. From the woman who was given a nine per cent chance of succeeding with natural IVF treatment (i.e. no fertility medications) who is now 22 weeks pregnant, to another lady who had a dream about the twins she would have in the future, in spite of being warned that the severe problems with her husband’s sperm quality meant it was highly unlikely she would conceive. She is now a Mum to a boy and a girl and told me recently that she knew her repeated dreams about having twins meant something and she was glad she didn’t give up, even when the statistics were not in her favour.
5. The incredible strength of the human spirit. It’s true what they say: you don’t know how you will deal with a situation until you are faced with it. I am eternally amazed at women’s ability to shift the goalposts when it comes to their fertility issues. Whether that means discovering their only chance of conception is via IVF, or that donor sperm or egg will need to be considered as the next step in the process, these challenging situations are invariably met with a dignified acceptance, coupled with the determination to persevere and emerge triumphant at the end of it all.
Jessica Bourke's clinical approach is based on evidence-based nutrition protocols, acupuncture treatment, and she also offers functional lab tests to support you on your journey to parenthood. She's a regular contributor to Irish media and co-author of the 'Guilt Free Gourmet' cook-book. As a Mum of two, Jessica understands the challenges of pregnancy and parenting. For more, visit jessicabourke.com.
