Everyone who has ever been pregnant knows that you will reach a point (usually around the eight-month mark) when all you can think about is getting that baby out of there.
Personally I think that this is how nature has designed things. It does not matter how much you have spent the past few months dreading the prospect of giving birth, a day will come when you will think that continuing being pregnant seems far worse. (If you're still hovering around the "I-glow-and-look-like-I-just-swallowed-a-basketball" six-month mark you won't understand WHAT I am on about. Yet.)
At 40 weeks you will, though. That baby is FULLY grown and you are fit to burst. You haven't seen your toes in months. You wonder if you will EVER have a waist again. The hospital bag is packed and the freezer is full. Tiny clothes are washed, the changing table assembled and the house has been cleaned. Six times. You are ready. Bring on that baby.
But babies can be cruel that way. They don't give a toss about how fed up you are or what date it is. They will literally do their own thing and linger on in there, like little uterus occupants, until you start to think this will never end.
Many an old-wives tale has been spun around how to bring on labour when you are about to lose the plot. Here are some of the more popular ones to test out. (Note: My first-born was 13 days late and I tried EVERY trick Google told me to try. None worked. In the end, I watched "Bridesmaids" and laughed till I cried. My baby girl was born six hours later.)
1. Sex
This is the advice that everyone will be quick to recommend to you - and that you will least want to try. Nobody feels sexy at nine months pregnant. No one. Not even Gisele. At this point in time, you will be more concerned about things coming out of that area than things going in. And you probably hate your husband at this stage for putting you in this situation in the first place. None of these great turn-on's.
2. Spicy food
This is another one that everybody will tell you to try. "Order Thai food". I did. I love Thai food. I had eaten Thai food regularly through-out my whole pregnancy. So much so that the baby was probably loving Thai food too at that stage, and therefor seemingly in no rush to leave a place where she frequently got it served up.
3. Pineapple
Pineapple contains the enzyme bromelain which is said to soften the cervix in preparation for labour. You have to eat A LOT of pineapple for it to work. What quantifies as a large amount of pineapple, you may ask? Half a pineapple? A whole pineapple? Two whole pineapples? No. Seven apparently. Seven whole bloody pineapples. You can hang on for another day, baby. Seven pineapples. He-llo.
4. Walking
The pressure of your baby's head pushes down on the cervix and is causing the release of oxytocin, a hormone that cause contractions to start. In theory. I walked and walked and walked. Or, in fairness, waddled. It was winter. It was Norway. It was -16 degrees. I got fresh air and rosy cheeks from it. No baby though.
5. Nothing
Sit back, try to get comfortable and ignore all the text, What's App's and phone calls. Make you husband go get you Thai food. (In case it does work!). Do all the things that you won't be able to do for quite some time. Paint your nails. Read a book. Drink a hot cup of tea. Eat chocolate whilst you can still use the 'eating for two' excuse. It is nearly over. Before you know it you'll be in the labour ward, thinking about how crazy you were wishing for this to happen in the first place!
And when it is all over, and you realise how amazing it is to be a MUM, give it three months, and you will start dreaming about doing it all again. I swear!
