Hands off the bump: 5 ways you become public property when you're pregnant
It's lovely being pregnant.
Strangers smile at you warmly, people at bus stops want to have the chats, and you're often on the receiving end of kindly gestures. For the most part, it's a special, special time.
But, anyone who has endured months of other people's weirdness will also know that expecting a baby suddenly makes you public property...
1. The inappropriate touching
At no other time in your life will you be fondled by strangers as much as when you're pregnant. Oh hai person I've never spoken to stroking me way too intimately, how are you today? Here's a new rule: if you we don't normally hug or touch each other, or at the very least know each other's names, then please keep your hands off my bump.
2. The gender issue
You are at risk from two types of individual here. The first is the gender psychic. These people KNOW what flavour you are having. They just know. Some might even call it a gift. Carrying low? It's a boy. Carrying high? It's definitely a girl. Big fat ass? It's probably twin girls. The second type is the opposite, they can't believe you found out the gender. Did you not want to keep it a surprise? Here lookit nosey, I'm either having a boy or a girl... It'll only be a surprise if it's a kitten.
3. The horror stories
These people will spend a lot of time telling you the most horrifying pregnancy and delivery stories that they can muster. Oh yes, the non-pregnant laughter surrounding simultaneously puking and sh*ting yourself during a four-day labour is totes hilares. We are just super excited about pushing this baby out right now, thank you.
4. The insults
Gawd you're very neat, you don't even look pregnant. Thanks for your input but my medically-qualified obstetrician says otherwise. Are you sure you're not having twins? Yeah, I think my doctor might have mentioned that one to me. You must be due any day now? Eh, no, another five months to go but your insinuation that I'm ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE is most welcome. Because you know, I'm not self-conscious enough already.
5. The intrusiveness
Was it planned? Is your telly broken or wha? Were you trying for long? Are you going to breastfeed? You don't have much of a gap between them, do you know how it happens? The level of intrusiveness is shocking once you are with bump. Mere acquaintances will lose all boundaries and questions that are essentially about your sex life are no longer off-limits in polite company. Don't forget mamas-to-be: you are now public property.