The 10 stark truths of sharing a bed with a growing baby bump
Anyone who's been pregnant knows the story.
As the bump grows, the bed shrinks and all other occupants of the bed (other halves, other children, even the actual OWNER of the bump) must bow down and acknowledge that The Bump is in charge now.
1. The Bump is everywhere
Don't try to escape The Bump. Significant Others will try to avoid rolling over on the bump, but there is no escaping The Bump.
2. The Bump lashes out
Butting The Bump up against The Significant Other's back is great especially when you're pissed off with them for not going to the shops to get you Jaffa Cakes earlier. A bit of silent treatment and the unborn child kicking them in the back is more than enough punishment for the disobedient Other Half.
3. The Bump is never happy
It doesn't like the left side; it doesn't like the right side. It doesn't know WHAT it wants.
4. The Bump needs ALL the pillows
Or better yet one of those giant pillows to build a wall between it and the rest of the bed.
5. The Bump will hinder any and all sexy times
Once there's a bump in the bed, really the only option is a very unsatisfactory scissoring style of intercourse – your upper bodies will be so far apart you'll have to blow each other kisses and shout across to one another: "This is lovely intercourse we're having here. I'm having a really nice time!"
6. The Bump DEMANDS Frequent Trips To The Toilet
The plastic sheet investment becomes increasingly tempting as the weeks pass.
7. The Bump's temperature fluctuates CONSTANTLY
The Bump is hot; The Bump is cold. The bump is rapidly becoming more demanding than the Toddler. It wants more duvet. It's suddenly raging because the someone forgot to switch the timer on the heating off. Don't piss The Bump off.
8. The Bump wants snacks
Okay, okay... maybe we want the snacks.
9. The Bump does not appreciate being rolled over
It's up to the Other Half at this point to help us roll from side to side. As if this wasn't demeaning enough the OH also makes a huge deal out of how apparently difficult it is to achieve Operation Roll Preggers Wife Over. He's really hamming it up, throwing all his weight behind me and grunting and huffing like he's pushing an anvil.
10. The Bump is becoming harder and harder to extract from the bed
Seriously getting up and out of bed requires an elaborate manoeuvre that more closely resembles an eel writhing around on dry land than a glowing pregnant woman gracefully greeting the day. Eventually, I just about manage to slither to the floor and then stand up.