Locate all summer clothes. They’re probably still in the attic.
Wash and dry all items. In the dryer. (See above.)
Return to attic to retrieve large suitcase.
Realise gave large suitcase to brother on loan two years ago. Tell self that family should really go on more holidays.
Ask brother for suitcase. He informs that suitcase was in fact returned, but broken... Remember bashing it into small pieces to fit into the green bin last Christmas. Why don’t we go on more holidays?
Send Ass Monkey into town for a suitcase that is big enough for four people’s summer clothes, but not so big that we’d be charged extra baggage weight at the airport. Ass Monkey nods silently.
Lay out all clothes on the spare bed. It’s never going to fit into one suitcase.
4 Sleeps To Go...
The sun is shining! It’s a miracle. Promise to bring kids to the beach. Go to spare room for summer items for all to wear.
Finally cop that a double buggy is going to save your life on holidays. Ask to borrow one from a friend – inform Ass Monkey of its whereabouts for pick up. Ass Monkey nods silently.
Go to chemist for all summer essentials: sun cream, after-sun cream, baby sun cream, mosquito repellent, first-aid kit, Gaviscon, Motillium, headache tablets, Teethas, Calpol, Arret, shampoo, kids shampoo, body wash, moisturisers, hats, goggles, sunglasses, nappies, swimmer nappies, baby wipes. Reach the condom aisle but find self too exhausted to lift the box off the shelf.
Have great day at the beach with the kids – wash and dry all summer clothes again.
3 Sleeps To Go...
Everything in the house must be eaten and there will be no more food shopping. Try this combination for dinner: chicken breasts marinated in EasiSingles, topped with sausage slices, with a side of Peppa Pig shaped spaghetti with an avocado and mayonnaise mousse. Dessert will be mushed banana, digestive biscuits and Petits Filous. Eggs must feature in every meal; we must get rid of the eggs. What if they hatch while we’re gone?
Pack everything into the new suitcase and stick to the ‘Seven of Everything’ rule. If they run out of shorts, we’ll wash the shorts. In baby shampoo, perhaps. Might need to buy more baby shampoo.
Vow not to have a repeat of THAT trip to Ibiza years ago and diligently pack underwear.
Clean the oven and the fridge – who knows who will be inspecting your house when you’re gone? Book in the window cleaner, just in case of extreme levels of judgement.
2 Sleeps To Go...
Take the contents of the medicine cabinet and dump them into the toiletries bag. Realise how bloody heavy the toiletries bag is now and realise that you’ll definitely get charged for an overweight bag at the airport. Send Ass Monkey out for two backpacks – sure we’ll divvy them out and carry them on our backs. Ass Monkey nods silently.
Clean up all dog poo from garden, in case anyone might pop by to cut the grass in your absence.
Realise have made no provision for dog’s welfare while you are gone. Ask neighbor but they have a new cat. Reluctantly ask parents although Mother is not a fan of dogs. They agree. Feel sorry for dog.
Open a bottle of wine as you are so nearly on your holidays now.
Order in the dinner – there is now only milk and half a tin of Peppa Pig-shaped spaghetti in the house. Feel proud.
Dye hair and paint toenails while a little bit tipsy. Be grand.
1 Sleep To Go...
Book self in for an emergency appointment with the beauty salon as one’s nails and general appearance is not What happened to the days when one would spend weeks exercising for being ‘poolside ready’ and getting hair and tan and nails done ALL WEEK leading up to holidays?
Remember am a mother now and whilst still a human being, have not had a cup of coffee alone this week, never mind had the opportunity to have a facial.
Beautician comments on hair being ‘lovely and shiny’. Book self in for emergency hair appointment. It is Saturday so Ass Monkey can figure the kids out.
Get home to find that entire family decided to ‘play’ in the spare room and now all packing is undone and must be re-done. Great craic. Love family.
Open another bottle of wine. Sure the taxi will be here in eight hours – it IS holiday time.
Re-pack and weigh all bags when kids are in bed. We might just get away with it.
Make sure we finish all open bottles of wine and spirits. Flies have a terrible habit of being drawn towards the sugar in liquor so we have to finish them in case of, you know, the plague.
Drunkenly try to figure out how to navigate the double buggy up and down the hallway in pisses of laughter.
Remember with horror that I did, in fact, forget to re-pack my underwear. Shove it all into my carry on and hope no one wants to search my bag at the airport.
Set alarms for 4am and fall into bed. We’ll definitely wake up…won’t we??
Sharyn Hayden's epic book I Forgot to Take my Pill is available to order on Amazon.
