10 ways you can tell your period is coming (without checking the calendar)

I know, I know.

I could write down the date or use an app or monitor my moon cycles, but where's the fun in that? Here are 10 much more dependable signs that Aunty Flo is on her merry way... 1. I wake up with a festering contempt for my mother/sister/spin instructor. They may have slighted me in a dream or real life, who's to know. One hour later I burst into tears because I feel mean about the (miraculously disappeared) contempt.                   2. There's a dull, creeping ache working its way from inside my thigh bone to somewhere near my bellybutton. Dr. Google suggests pancreatitis, appendicitis and gallstones, prompting frantic purchasing of health insurance and pondering meaningful funeral songs.                     3. I've sent three passive aggressive emails to Himself and a mean Tweet to @RevenueIE by 10am. And one distinctly chilly text to my mother.                     4. I seriously consider buying a gift box of Milk Tray for lunch, then settle on four Créme Eggs instead. The decision feels like a really measured and responsible choice.                     5. My entire day is interrupted by flashes of anxiety: was the dog in a funny mood this morning? Did I leave the hair straightener on? Why is the Universe so big? Why are humans so very, very small? Whatever will become of us?                     6. Nothing fits. I sit on the edge of the bed and wonder how I could have but on 17lb since Monday.                                           7. I spend 15 minutes thinking about joining a spin class while spooning mayonnaise from the jar into my mouth using a pizza crust.                     8. Rage. A cyclist whizzes past when the green man is clearly flashing at the pedestrian crossing. I spend the entire day hoping it happens again so this time I can send his spindly little bike crashing into the pavement like a neon Lycra whirligig.                     9. My boobs are four sizes bigger than usual. Awesome. But directly proportionate to increases everywhere else. Not awesome.                           10.  I stop looking at Nutella as a spread and start considering it as a food group, alongside Doritos, Dominos and McDonalds.                             Main Image: Witch print available here.