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6th January 2016
07:13pm GMT
It is my personal opinion that January is being misused as a month. Its purpose should no longer be for the starting of diets, the purging of bad habits OR the commitment to spring cleaning the house.
It should really be for the gentle transition from the full-blown piggery and laziness that was December to the sweet, bright hope of lovely February.
Here are five solid reasons why you should wait until February to make those resolutions:
1. There is temptation everywhere
If you closely analysed every home in Ireland today, you would find the following: half a box of uneaten Roses, Heroes or other chocolatey delight, dregs of Jack Daniels, red wine and Morgan spiced rum, seven cans of coke, four packets of King crisps, and some Tesco's finest party food in the freezer. These items are not, I repeat, not to be discarded in the rubbish bin. Take your time and get rid of it the right way: down your throat and into your belly.
2. The weather is not conducive to the consumption of salads
It's the winter! Who in their right mind would start a Paleo diet in the depths of winter? Our ancestors knew that the only way to survive the winter months was to stock up on potatoes and bread. Don't be fooled by the temperature that your fancy central heating system is throwing out and put a pot of stew on immediately. Your great-granny would be proud of you.
3. There is enough other annoying stuff to do
January is busy for lots of reasons; you need to take the bastarding Christmas tree and all the decorations down, you need to make the remaining €87.50 in your bank account last for another three weeks, you have to re-train your body not to take twenty-minute naps after lunch when you get back to work AND you have to start taking regular showers again. Don't you think that is enough change for one person to handle this month?
4. Nobody likes an over-achiever
Be honest; is it really necessary to cut out carbs, coffee, booze, re-paint the kitchen cabinets, lose half a stone, teach your dog how to do the Macarena and take up a sign-language course all because it's a New Year? I'm not trying to go all Oprah on your ass but a psychologist might suggest that all of that over-exertion could be covering up some deep, dark sadness that you are trying to run away from. Wouldn't you find more solace in the bottom of a box of Quality Street and a nice, long lie down? Isn't that nice there? There you go, ahh.. you're welcome.
5. You don't have enough money for Goji berries
Newsflash: flaxseeds are extremely expensive. Given that you blew the last of your December salary on mojitos, kebabs and taxis on New Year's Eve, there really isn't anything left to invest in the list of grocery items you would need to 'turn' vegan (yawn). Do yourself a favour and forage around the top shelves in your kitchen for pot noodles and you will remain warm and happy.
Which is precisely the way you should stay for January.
Are you holding off on making any resolutions yet? Let us know in the comments.Explore more on these topics:
