In the blurry aftermath of the murder of Clodagh Hawe and her three beautiful sleeping soldiers, we have all somewhat moved on. Those four faces still visit our thoughts in quiet, disbelieving moments but our lives have since returned to a normal routine.
Media speculated, women’s groups spoke out, and we gasped in shock and horror about how this could have happened. Such chilling terror. How could something so brutal have happened in our little country, where extreme abuse is a foreign concept?
These instances frequently occur in the UK and America but not in Cavan, and definitely not within this ‘normal’ family. WRONG! This illusion has fooled many, and those ‘street-angels, house-devils’ are all around, and silence and us minding our own business is the only condition they require to thrive in. These types seek out those soft, empathetic souls and work to destroy self-esteem they knew from the start could be manipulated.
The key is, to open those ‘Silence Curtains’ and unmask the ‘House-Devil’, but the fear is that you will not be believed, someone will tell him and that you will be punished for your courage when you return home. This morning, I heard Emily Skye, a heath and fitness expert speaking on this topic – it’s happened to her, it’s happened to some of my friends at some point in their lives, it even happened me six years ago when I lived in a foreign country alienated from my friends and family. There is no shame. Let’s come together and tell these Silent Women that we are empathetic, we understand, we respect you and, most importantly, we will believe you when you tell us. You are my sister, and I will do my best for you.
Dear Silent Woman,
I solemnly swear that I will believe you when you tell me that something is not quite right and that it’s the small things that create that cold feeling in your body – the micro-managing, the probing questions for your whereabouts, the back-handed compliments. I will believe you when you tell me he humiliates you, sometimes in full view of everyone and sometimes you’re not even sure why – at the check-out in Aldi in front of the cashier and the queue… he was only joking, right? I will believe you when you tell me he constantly berates your cooking, your clothes, and your intelligence… even when others think you must be too sensitive because he’s so sound. I promise to always believe you when you tell me that he blanked you for hours or that he turned his phone off and went missing for the night because you laughed at the wrong time. I will believe you when you tell me he chatted up another woman right in front of you, and then seemed confused and annoyed when you expressed your upset with this. And, when you find sexual text messages on his phone from this woman, texts that he still fully denies, I will still believe you… you didn’t imagine it. When he becomes ridiculously jealous because some guy was apparently checking you out, I will believe you. I vow to believe you when you tell me he’s extremely moody most of the time, despite being a ‘normal’ guy with the lads or in his workplace, or that he makes fun of you even though he knows it hurts your feelings. I will believe you that he said his love for you is conditional – “I love you, but you’re not hot anymore” or “I will love you if you lose a stone”. After he threatens you – “If you don’t delete his number, I will reactivate my Tinder account” – I promise that I will fully believe you and, after the daily guilt trip, the weekly explanation for your expenditure or the ritualistic blame-game – “I want to have sex with other women because you’re a prude” – you can come to me, and I promise to sit and listen and BELIEVE. Even though you’ve been alienated from your family, and I haven’t heard from you in a few years, my door is always open, and you are welcome to contact me at any time, day or night, and I will believe you. He may call you unceasingly while you’re talking to me and send you messages threatening to end his life, but my sole unceasing focus will be on believing every word you tell me, every sad word you’ve been keeping inside your four walls, every embarrassing word you’re petrified to tell, every small detail that is huge for you.
This is my promise to every woman reading this.
You don’t need bruises or barring orders for abuse to be real – it’s alive in far too many homes. Tonight, thousands of women around Ireland will sit in their own homes, afraid to make a sound during his favourite programme. You recognise many of these signs, either in your own life or your friend’s. Share this, let them know YOUR door is always open and, if just one woman opens up about the abuse they live with, we will have done something very special.
This is for Clodagh.
(P.S I’m fully aware emotional abuse is orchestrated by women on men, women on women, and men on men, parents on children, children on parents, friends on friends).
As a psychologist at Sugru Child Development and Contextual Play Therapy Services, Lorraine Lynch engages with families from all over Ireland, dealing with issues from prenatal woes to teen coping strategies. She employs the most up-to-date research to help parents promote holistic well-being in their home.
