Every day in my clinical practice I'm privy to the joy and despair that are an inevitable part of the fertility journey. It can be challenging at times, but it’s part of the job and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Sometimes however, I find the bad news more difficult to accept.
A patient’s story
A lady and her partner have been consulting with me on and off, for a number of years and were recently given the heartbreaking news that, of their three, precious frozen embryos, none of them were genetically viable. Not. Even. One.
Each embryo was found to have it’s own distinct, genetic flaw, which would make pregnancy very unlikely or a miscarriage highly probable.
The cruelty of this outcome has left me feeling countless emotions, but mainly I just feel enraged at the sheer unfairness of it all.
You see, this woman has already been through numerous miscarriages and many years of trying to conceive. When I say ‘numerous’, I mean in excess of seven miscarriages, and by ‘many years’, I mean more than a decade. So, perhaps you can understand why I had such a strong reaction to this terribly, disappointing news.
When to say ‘enough is enough’
As far as this couple are concerned, they felt it was their final chance of having a baby.
Along the way, there had been investigative surgeries, an ectopic pregnancy, the removal of a fallopian tube, allergic reactions, sperm issues as well as extensive genetic testing, and yet after all that… they would have nothing to show for it.
Egg and/or sperm donation is not something they want to consider at the moment, which I can completely respect, but it made me think about the agonising situation that some people with fertility issues eventually find themselves in; how do you decide when enough is enough?
Taking a step back
It’s an impossible question and yet, it demands an answer. The journey to having a baby, whether that be naturally or via assisted conception methods, is not something that is easy to give up.
As another patient of mine put it, ‘You know, it’s like playing the lotto. The idea of winning some money may be addictive to some people, but this is a human life! How am I supposed to give up on that dream?’
Indeed.
Fertility issues can create such an enormity of emotion, that it can threaten to derail a couple’s relationship, especially if an agreement cannot be reached on whether to continue trying for a baby.
Is egg or sperm donation the right option for me?
While it is never an easy decision to make, opting for donor egg or sperm could be the right choice for a number of reasons;
For women (and men) over 40 who have had numerous failed IVF cycles, it greatly increases the odds of conceiving a healthy baby and there is also a reduced risk of miscarriage, which is as an added bonus.
Another potential benefit of egg or sperm donation is that if there are any hereditary genetic conditions on either side of the family, this risk can be eliminated due to the genetic screening that takes place with potential donors.
One lady I consulted with a number of years ago had been through umpteen IVF cycles before finally deciding to opt for a donor egg. There is a long-standing history of mental health issues within her family, that had affected my patient (not helped by the stress of fertility treatment), her sister, aunt, cousin and even her own father. So extreme were some of these mental health issues that some of her family members had required hospital-based treatment.
‘I never regretted the decision to opt for donor egg. If anything, I felt hugely relieved because not only had I finally become a Mum to a beautiful daughter, but I also had no concerns about her future mental health because I knew the complete genetic history of the donor.’
The implications of opting for donor egg or sperm
can be complex , but it means there is still the option of becoming pregnant and carrying a healthy baby to term, which may otherwise not be feasible.
Finding the strength to move on
Perhaps you decide that donor egg or sperm is not for you, or indeed, you may have already tried the donor route but were unsuccessful. If this is the case then you should seek out proper support as you adjust to a different vision of what your life may be like in the future.
I was reading recently about the wonderful charity
Anam Cara, which was founded to support bereaved parents who have dealt with the loss of a child.
As a mother, I can’t even imagine the level of grief that comes with the loss of a child and yet, I personally believe we should extend that same level of compassion and support to those who have tried desperately to become parents, but were unable to do so.
While fertility patients may not have experienced the loss of child that had the chance to be born, they have still experienced the loss of a life that could have been.
Thankfully, in Ireland, we have the the
National Infertility Support and Information Group, which was founded to help inform and guide fertility patients who may be struggling with their situation.
I would encourage anyone dealing with fertility problems, whether you're just starting out on your journey or feel you may be reaching the end of it, to consider their seminars and information evenings. The information that is on offer, along with having the chance to speak with others who are dealing with the same issues, should hopefully make the decision making process a little bit easier to bear.
Jessica Bourke is a Natural Fertility Specialist who deals with all aspects of reproductive health. Her clinical approach is based on evidence-based nutrition protocols, acupuncture treatment, and she also offers functional lab tests to support you on your journey to parenthood. She's a regular contributor to Irish media and co-author of the 'Guilt Free Gourmet' cook-book. As a Mum of two, Jessica understands the challenges of pregnancy and parenting. For more, visit jessicabourke.com.
