The assumption that the fertility path is a straight line is misleading women everywhere, according to HerFamily contributor Laura Drury
“So you guys aren’t planning on kids then?”
...I was very nonchalantly asked this question by one of my friend's partners at a BBQ, just over a year into being married. Yes, I had been married a year. And no, I wasn’t pregnant. But by god, I would have done anything to be.
We hadn’t actively 'tried' in the first year of being married – I was naïve enough to think it would just happen. But alas, it didn’t. And in the year that followed, a year of 'actively trying', it didn’t happen either.
I just couldn’t understand it. I was bereft. We both went for tests and our results showed no issues for either of us. I started to grow jealous of women saying they had miscarried because I couldn’t seem to get pregnant in the first place. I was stuck in a cycle of what became coined in my house as the arrival of the “monthly disappointment”.
"I just couldn’t keep channelling my energy into a pregnancy that clearly wasn’t going to happen"
I was so focused on a longed-for pregnancy happening that it was affecting every aspect of my life, but there came an epiphany in early 2019. I decided I was going to focus on my mental and physical health, because I just couldn’t keep channelling my energy into a pregnancy that clearly wasn’t going to happen. My plan? Eat better, walk more (the gift of FitBit being the catalyst for that) and focus a bit more on that Instagram page I had half dipped my toe into.
I found it so difficult to talk to anyone about how much I was struggling with wanting something that wasn’t happening, and something I genuinely assumed would just happen. But I know now that I really wasn’t ready to be pregnant with my son until it happened. I had some demons to slay within myself and that took time. I truly believe that, in my case, becoming a parent happened for me when it was supposed to. And that’s a tough pill to swallow when you are as impatient as me.
"I let go of an anxiety that I truly believe was a block for me"
I always felt that becoming a mother was inevitable for me and when I began trusting that – and properly learning my ovulation cycle thanks to the genius of cycle monitoring systems like OvuSense – I let go of an anxiety that I truly believe was a block for me. My body was running too high in cortisol at all times for it to be a climate for a pregnancy.
It wasn’t until I took the time to assume less about myself and actually learn that my ovulation wasn’t on the same day of every month like I had expected it to be, that it actually start to make sense to me why the 'window of opportunity' as I liked to call it was always being missed. Ovulation sticks never gave me a smiley face, month after month after month, and I really had lost hope by the time I had my epiphany. But, four months later, I had a positive pregnancy test and on the 1st of December 2019, my son was born.
For anyone who is in the position now that I was in 4 years ago, I hope my story gives you some hope that what is meant for you will not pass you by. I’m now pregnant with my 3rd (rather unexpected) baby and if I could speak to that lost girl four years ago, my advice to her would be this: “Get to know your body, slow down, show it some respect and surrender to the possibility of everything and anything.
"Don’t assume you will get what you want right away, but you will probably get what you need”