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26th August 2015
09:16am BST
2. When I began to wonder if a particularly forceful exfoliating treatment would result in any weight loss. Then weighed myself before and after a body scrub. (It doesn't).
3. When I went on-wine shopping and bought two extortionately expensive veils because I wanted one of them to wear at my wedding but had developed a serious relationship with the other one and felt it would be bad luck if I abandoned it.
4. When I dreamed that I turned up at my wedding three hours late, with my dress unfinished. And having left both veils at home.
5. When I dreamed that my mother turned up at the wedding in a tracksuit (nonchalantly strolling by the church with the dog on a lead, if you don't mind) and couldn't bring myself to speak to her in real life for a week.
6. When my mother bought her ninth pair of shoes for the wedding and I hadn't found mine yet.
7. When the wall calendar became too full of manic wedding notes and scribbles and I went online to find a downloadable calendar. And it took three hours because I couldn't find a 'wedding calendar' font that befit the event and that I didn't feel was incontrovertibly ugly and offensive. Because in the long run, that was really going to matter.
8. When I called the seamstress (he's male: seamster?) four weeks before the wedding to book my final dress fittings and he insinuated that I had left it very late and 'may have to take time off work in order to fit in with his schedule'. And I did a scream into the lining of my handbag at a coffee shop.
9. When I briefly considered setting a small but noxious fire at another (lesser) event in order to secure the band we wanted for the day after party.
10. When someone from the bank called me to check if I was okay and I had to explain that the 'suspicious activity' on my account was me paying off one hundred various wedding vendors at once. At 4am.
11. When flower crowns became as mundane and reasonable a topic for deep daily consideration and lengthy discussion as, say, lunch. Or the news.
12. When I had more than enough glass jars collected for a small DIY wedding project but I couldn't quite stop collecting them. Even when both my mother and my mother-in-law politely enquired as to whether we might be all able to stop soon because their utility rooms looked like a recycling facility and smelled faintly of old chutney. I've actually decided I'm more comfortable keeping this one going until after the wedding. Look out for me on Hoarding: Buried Alive.
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