Ava Finn bounced into our world as a leap year baby in 2008. She was the smallest baby I had ever seen, weighing only 5lbs 6 oz… that she was 10 days overdue! She was like a doll. Perfect.
Mia was three, and was being assessed for autism, when Ava arrived. We had just bought our first house and had collected the keys the day before Ava arrived. We were 22… talk about pressure! All our friends were still out partying and working and we were on baby number two and a mortgage.
Ava was a dream baby, she slept all night from six weeks old. She never cried, she was always smiling and Mia adored her. I found it tough with two children. It was hard going, especially when you have one child with special needs. Daniel could literally only take two days off as he was so busy. I’ll never forget how tough it was, and yet he would come in and do every night feed, change nappies, anything he could.
We used to joke that Ava was so laid back that when you walked into a room she wouldn’t notice you were even there for at least ten minutes. I was delighted to have one laid-back child after finding Mia so full-on. As Ava got older though, I felt my mother’s instinct pull at me. Your gut is never wrong.
Ava was so clumsy. She fell so often that I went to the public health nurse nearly every month. As she got older her attention span was awful, even her preschool alerted me to it. She got so hyper when playing that she would bounce off the walls (literally) and no matter how hard I tried, I could not calm her down for at least an hour. She was so fidgety. She was a very emotional child. Super-sensitive.
The teachers were worried how she would cope in primary. I kept little notes as she got older. Junior Infants hit her like a steam train. It totally threw her and her moods were unbelievable. I was struggling to help her, no amount of star charts, rewards, one-on-one time helped.
In the February her teacher called me in to tell me they were worried about Ava’s attention, her anxiety with coping with school and her overall learning. When she said it I wanted to jump across to her and go ‘Yes! Someone else said it! It’s not just at home! I’m not a bad mother!’
I had massive guilt over how much time Mia was taking up. Then I climbed in my car and cried for Ava. She seemed so frustrated and she was so young. Senior Infants came along with the same issues and more meetings. I couldn’t sit by and let my daughter to feel that way so I rang the HSE. She went on the waiting list to be assessed for Attention Deficit Disorder but the waiting list was three or four years long. Years wasted. So we saved up to go private and, just like Mia’s appointment before, we said to each other, ‘Ava is Ava. Our ray of sunshine. The same child she was before this appointment’.
I knew Ava was going to be diagnosed with ADHD and an anxiety disorder. I felt relieved. Then like with Mia, I felt anger; why do my children have to go through this? Then I grieved for the lives they were ‘meant’ to have but won’t. Finally I accepted things as they were.
Acceptance is everything. Without it you can’t truly help your child, your family or each other. Ava was able to access resources in school with her diagnosis so we didn’t wait around. She needed help. It’s our job to help her. We researched ADHD and learnt new ways to communicate with her; slow down our demands. Positive Reinforcement works. We have had to try a lot of things. Ava is the sweetest, most kindhearted, craziest, girly girl. She is my ray of sunshine on my hard days. She has a love for her sister and brother that melts my heart. I’m in awe of her.
My children all have a bond like no other. They accept each other for who they are because we accepted them the minute they were placed in our arms. Long before they were ever diagnosed. Their conditions are one part of their lives. They have grown up knowing about their conditions ever since they were young. Our house is their ‘normal’.
Read: ‘Mia Is Our Everything’
Carrie Burton is 31. Married to her childhood best friend Daniel, the couple have three beautiful children who all have special needs. Carrie likes to write about the reality of their conditions and what it’s like for her family to live with them. They are her world. You can catch up with her at her blog Life As I Know It.
