The mother & baby group can be an absolute lifesaver in the hazy, crazy early days of motherhood.
An opportunity to escape the house and see some humans that you didn't make yourself can be a welcome relief to the slightly repetitive days spent caring for a young baby. However, remember you are entering a room full of very tired, hormonal women (including yourself obviously!) and words should be chosen carefully you do NOT want to piss us, postpartum ladies, off.
10 most dangerous things to say at a mother-baby group:
1. "My baby sleeps all night."
This will not go down well with the other mothers. Know your audience, most of these women haven't slept more than two hours consecutively in many months. If someone punches you in the face for saying this, accept your fate and repeat after me: "I deserved that."
2. "Isn't it such a joy."
In most mother-toddler groups there is always at least one mum high off her face on the miracle of the whole business of new motherhood, which is nice but here's a tip don't sit down beside the dead-eyed woman who looks like a wrung out old J-cloth and start shiteing on in evangelical tones about how blessed you feel. She is not in the same frame of mind as you and may punch you. For further info on what to do if you've been punched see above.
3. "I think I'm going to run away."
A lot of us want to run away in the early days, this much is a given however share this tidbit at the wrong mother-baby group, and at best it may be met with an awkward silence, or at worst social services might be called.
4. "Don't make me laugh, I'll piss myself."
As true as this may be, the likely reaction upon hearing this will be for others to move far away from you and your incontinence. Remember you're here to make friends not mark your territory.
5. "Is anyone else still crying/sweating/bleeding profusely?"
Unless you have found yourself in a wine-fuelled mother-baby group, this will likely be far too much information for a civilised 11am coffee get together. Though, frankly, I'm inclined to say go for it. I reckon we need to start sharing more of the gory and alarming aspects of procreation, to normalise the, at times, totally mad experience of making a baby.
6. "Breastfeeding is not an effective form of contraception???? Excuse me I have to go to the pharmacy immediately."
This could be misconstrued as a weird gloat. You're having sex already?
7. "What's that on your baby's face?"
Or any variation of this. Best not to pass comment on the other babies except to exclaim over how cute they are.
8. "I'm back in my pre-pregnancy jeans."
Especially while smugly refusing the offer of a biscuit. The other mothers may strangle you with your size 10 jeans or smother you with their loose tummy skin. And they would be totally justified in that.
9. "The birth was such a joy."
Hint: If the woman you are telling this to has a pained expression on her face, and is not quite sitting all the way down on her chair or is audibly wincing... she may not agree with you.
10. "Are you NOT breastfeeding?"/ "Are you STILL breastfeeding?"
Just don't mention anything about anyone boobs, that's the best bet.
