Pregnant women don’t need to mourn the lack of wine and gin on the menu during the gestational period… After all, being pregnant is actually a helluva lot like being drunk …Only less fun in pretty much every way 10 ways being pregnant is EXACTLY like being drunk: 1. You’re probably nauseous 5 drinks = […]

3 years ago

Mother’s Day has us looking back on all the ways we were a sweet, innocent, summer child in our expectations… During my pregnancy, I was careful to avoid any films or books or TV shows that would derail my notion of motherhood as a blissful, rose-tinted interpretive dance through glorious meadows of joy and wonder. […]

4 years ago

As if January isn’t a depressing enough month, every year we feel the need to self-flagellate with a host of (unlikely to stick) New Year’s resolutions. I can honestly say that for the last decade or so, I have made the EXACT same resolutions every year and NONE of them have ever happened. I blame […]

4 years ago

In the interest of full disclosure this is not strictly a cleaning how-to. It’s more suggestions for fitting cleaning into your day without hijacking other, funner plans. The lazy girl’s guide to making the house appear cleaner in under 30 minutes is in accordance with a new approach to cleaning called preventative cleaning. Practising preventative cleaning […]

4 years ago

Welcome to Hell…morning.

7 years ago

Do you deal well with stickiness? Because everything will be sticky.

7 years ago

‘Insane’ is actually a pretty generous description of some of the things I got up to when I first became a mother. Demented, ludicrous, borderline unstable would probably all cover the outlandishness slightly more accurately. At times, I was in a bad place. At other times I was just really REALLY hormonal. And I was […]

7 years ago

There’s plenty of questionable parenting I engage in from time to time. Nothing serious, just things I’d prefer other people didn’t witness, like giving chips to my son in restaurants in exchange for precisely 13 minutes of peace in which to consume my own meal (before I inevitably have to share it with him). The main […]

7 years ago

Sound familiar? Maybe no one tells you these things because they don’t want you to worry. They want you to stick to the comforting notion that things get easier as time goes on. Then the Child starts walking and BAM. Shit hits the fan faster than you can say “Holy Jesus where is he? He […]

7 years ago

Being the parent to a spirited, loving and mischievous toddler human is truly fun. The parents of toddlers can expect lots of gorgeous leg-hugs, snotty kisses, jam-coated hugs and a constant soundtrack of giggles. However, there is the odd drawback to shepherding your toddler human around the world. They can be somewhat unreasonable; they have […]

7 years ago

Anyone else walking around feeling like they’re going to cry/get sick/fall asleep/ cry again/eat an anchovy sandwich/ down an entire bottle of Gaviscon/ cry again especially if anyone hugs you or is too nice to you? Congratulations! You must be pregnant… 1. The “If I don’t eat something right this very second, I’m going […]

7 years ago

My failings as a parent are pretty well-documented round these parts. I have no excuse for my lack of talent in the mothering department. Friends say that I’m being too hard on myself until I tell them about the time I found my son filling a bottle lid with water and preparing to drink it… […]

7 years ago

I often get asked about how my son is sleeping. And by ‘often’ I mean there’s barely a single person, from distant relatives to women on the bus, who doesn’t check in with me frequently about the sleeping ‘problem’. In my paranoid, tired state I can’t help but detect a hint of schadenfreude in their […]

7 years ago

Naming a bump seems fun until you actually start trying to do it.

7 years ago

Sigh. There’s a lot of things that are best left unsaid when it comes to new mothers, yet still, people (who apparently enjoy a walk on the dangerous side) persist in goading us with infernal clichés along the lines of “sleep when the baby sleeps” and “soak it up”. As if we have any choice […]

7 years ago

We’ve all had terrible bosses at one time or another but most of us get to leave the boss at work. Having a toddler is like living with a tyrannical, micro-managing boss ALL the time. With that in mind, here are ten ways that a toddler is exactly like the worst boss you’ve ever worked […]

7 years ago

Parenthood teaches us about ourselves, though some of the insights may not be considered profound exactly. Once you become the proud owner of a toddler things take a turn for the way less profound pretty rapidly as the best thing you can do for your child, it transpires, is make funny fart noises. Learning just […]

7 years ago

Being the first one of your friends to have a baby is really exciting, but it can also be kind of lonely and confusing. You’re starting down a road of baby wipes and breast pads and weak pelvic floor muscles while they might be somewhat bemused by your newfound specialist knowledge of and interest in […]

7 years ago

I’m too tired to discipline today. This is how I feel quite a lot of the time. Also discipline is really haaaaaaaard *adopts whiny voice*. The Child is such a little imp, anytime I try to do my stern voice he amps up the cute or starts pulling funny faces – he thinks he’s hilarious […]

7 years ago

They’re basically psychic.

7 years ago

It’s a fraught process.

7 years ago

It’s a heady time. The pregnancy hormones (or whore-moans as I like to call them) are a very real battle for the women lumbering around among us, propagating the species and heroically resisting the urge to scream at random strangers for queuing too close behind them in Tesco (just me?). Here are ten crazy things you […]

7 years ago

I think The Child is experiencing early onset of adolescence. That or I am experiencing early onset of losing the will to live. Or perhaps it’s both. All I know is that overnight The Child has become more terrifying and unpredictable than a rabid animal, more hormonal than a hungry woman PMSing hard in the […]

7 years ago

Okay, I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m going to be really good at potty training. It’s based on nothing beyond the fact that I go to the loo quite well myself and also I haven’t had anything regarding this whole parenting thing just go my way right off the bat, so I feel like […]

7 years ago

Pre-baby I always thought people were overstating the difficulty of accomplishing minor things with a baby around. Post-baby I completely understand it when my other mum-friends cancel plans with excuses like “I couldn’t get out of the house” (they mean this literally) and “FFS, Toby has suddenly gone for a nap AN HOUR EARLY!!!!”. Being […]

7 years ago

I’m not a particularly angry person, but prolonged sleep deprivation can really take its toll on a person’s stocks of cheeriness. I’ve come to the conclusion that what I would really like if the laws of time/physics/reality did not apply is this: I’d like to lash out at anyone who annoyed me. If only, just […]

7 years ago

Nothing is the same.

7 years ago

Congratulations dad, first things first there’s a few things you need to know right now about how your life has changed. Imagine your new baby as an adorable, sweet-smelling BOMB that’s just been lobbed into your life. The woman you love is the purveyor of this bomb, but you can’t blame it all on her, […]

7 years ago

Since becoming a parent what constitutes ‘me time’ has altered dramatically. Post-baby any time that I can go to the toilet unaccompanied basically constitutes ‘me time’. As a result, I have amassed an arsenal of strategies to help shirk parental responsibilities which I have detailed here to help others get out of parenting too. 10 […]

7 years ago

You’re not alone.

7 years ago

As pregnancy lasts for the best part of a year it seems unrealistic to expect to be celibate but what to expect during sex when you’re expecting? 10 weird things no one ever says about pregnant sex: 1. You might be too nauseous Especially at first. If you’re already feeling seasick permanently then rhythmic rocking […]

7 years ago

When you’re preparing for your first child, there’s a lot of daydreaming and pleasant anticipation of the forthcoming little Messiah. Lots of aspects of parenthood are predictable like how amazing it is seeing your baby’s smile for the first time. But then there’s also a whole host of other little things you’d never have thought […]

7 years ago

Breastfeeding tips. What an unfortunate sounding phrase! But in the name of motherhood, I wanted to share my top 10 things that were ESSENTIAL to get the ‘hang’ of breastfeeding: 1. The Breast Nest When I first started breastfeeding my whole method was such a palaver that I only wanted to do it in private. I’d […]

7 years ago

“Want to go out this weekend?” “I dunno… will The Boss let us?” This is how many a conversation around our way starts. We didn’t set out to be ruled by a two-foot tyrannical toddler but sometimes we’re just too tired to fight him: We are weak, and he is all-powerful. All this pathetic capitulating […]

7 years ago

Every 15 minutes someone in Ireland is diagnosed with cancer

7 years ago

Legit.

8 years ago

Congrats mama! You made a teeny tiny baby boy. Now what? Here are ten things you will definitely need. 1. High tolerance for creepiness Baby boners are a thing, a creepy, perfectly natural, CREEPY thing. Get ready. 2. The Pee Pee Tee Pee Because piss in your eye is no joke. Seriously these exist. 3. […]

8 years ago

In France, you need a license to own a goldfish yet virtually anyone can procreate. Sometimes I suspect that should The Man and I put together an application to own a goldfish we would most likely be rejected. We’re barely eligible for a mortgage never mind being entrusted with a tiny, precious, defenceless goldfish or […]

8 years ago

The Impregnator needs to first recognise and accept that right now (and for the foreseeable future) everything is his fault. Sure, maaaaaybe, at some point The Incubator said: “let’s have a baby!” But let us never forget that it was The Impregnator who pulled that trigger and put this vengeful foetus inside us. via GIPHY […]

8 years ago

Being pregnant kind of promises big (literally) but in some respects, I found it a little bit of a let-down (some lactating humour for you). For starters, I couldn’t eat nearly as much as I wanted to due to raging gas and creeping guilt thanks to all those ads about not eating enough fruit/nourishing the […]

8 years ago

True story.

8 years ago

Including accidentally eating raw meat.

8 years ago

Ah, toddlers… Can’t live with them; can’t live without them screaming in your face because you “blinked your eyes wrong” or “moved their carrot” or said, “I love you”. We’re deep into toddler tantrum territory around our house which is why I am taking refuge in extreme denial. 8 reasons why I’ve decided the ‘Terrible Twos’ […]

8 years ago

“My tolerance levels have totally plummeted.”

8 years ago

Before The Child became a toddler he was an adorable, virtually immobile, very manageable baby. Then overnight he dragged himself up onto all fours and then ultimately to standing on his own two feet and roared to life like a crazed baby dinosaur. I didn’t realise immediately what a profound shift of power was about […]

8 years ago

So you’re parents now, and the landscape of your relationship has been altered forever. Among the myriad of questions facing new parents, you may find yourself wondering if it’s a bad sign that you and the other half are feeling more like platonic roommates than lovers since the baby arrived. Here to give you an […]

8 years ago

Fifteen completely mad things. Despite having nine months to prepare for the arrival of your newborn, when they actually come out they can seem, well, pretty alien. It’s a strange experience going from knowing them so intimately that you feel them when they roll around or hiccup inside you to then suddenly being presented with […]

8 years ago

Christmas is one of the most fun times of the year but come on, it’s also fairly hectic. Between the present shopping, turkey basting and liver-pickling, it can all start to feel a bit mental. That last thing we, heroic if a little harried, parents need is pesky questions about “what’s Santa bringing?” and “where […]

8 years ago

We love them in sickness and in health…

8 years ago

B is for birth plan, breasts, book club and, of course, baby.

8 years ago