The Impregnator needs to first recognise and accept that right now (and for the foreseeable future) everything is his fault.
Sure, maaaaaybe, at some point The Incubator said: “let’s have a baby!” But let us never forget that it was The Impregnator who pulled that trigger and put this vengeful foetus inside us.
10 Things Every Impregnator Needs to Know RIGHT NOW About his Baby Incubator:
1. The Incubator may need to lie down at a moment’s notice, don’t come between her and a padded, horizontal surface.
2. The Impregnator MUST act on The Incubator’s every culinary whim (without mocking).
3. The Impregnator must anticipate The Incubator’s every need and oblige her every demand upon pain of pregnant woman sitting on you.
4. The Incubator may need to cry intermittently especially when exposed to sad things, or happy things, or anything really. A particularly emotional episode of Room To Improve might do it: “But they really *SOB* really, really wanted *SOB* the extra *SOB* velux in the attic conversion.”
5. The Impregnator needs to NOT drink coffee or smoke cigarettes or eat anything pungent prior to trying to kiss The Incubator, perhaps best to skip the kissing altogether unless otherwise notified by The Incubator in advance.
6. In fact, The Impregnator may need to stop coming near the Incubator altogether if he knows what’s good for him… the hormones are gaining strength and it’s amazing how anything from saying “Hi” too cheerfully to breathing loudly is liable to send her into a hormonal rage.
7. The Incubator is really, really tired. The Impregnator needs to understand that he has never experienced anything CLOSE to the tiredness she is experiencing now. To you, asking her to put the kettle on may seem like a totally reasonable request that doesn’t warrant her flying into an immediate rage, but remember for her in her haze of tiredness every activity she has to perform feels like she is wading through a vat of thick-set custard after doing a high intensity training session while wearing a medieval suit of armour.
8. The Impregnator needs to respect that all the disgusting things that are happening to The Incubator (the leaking nipples, the loss of bladder control) are NOT disgusting but all a part of the miracle of life, Assh*le.
9. The Impregnator needs to stop pissing The Incubator off right now. We respect that a lot of really random things piss her off these days, Incubators are delightfully unpredictable like that, so tread carefully. No comments about her weight or her face or her mood swings, either say absolutely nothing or if you must speak just tell her that her limbs are looking remarkably toned and positively Jennifer Aniston-like.
10. The Impregnator needs to know that The Incubator is right about everything because … well, you know… hormones. And don’t eat anything in front of her if you don’t have a spare one in your pocket. And just don’t annoy her.
