10 things I have zero patience for since having a baby

Harsh as this sounds, once you're making your own people, other people (unless they are really fun or Tom Hardy) seem somehow surplus to requirement.

While before I would smile and nod along with whatever minor irritant I was faced with, now I find my tolerance levels have totally plummeted and I just can't be bothered with people or things who are annoying me. Disclaimer: I realise that I sound like a b*tch...That is all. 10 things I have no patience for since making a human 1. Restrictive or uncomfortable clothing Once you've gone elasticated it can be hard to go back. Even though my body has returned to a rough aproximation of person-shaped and I feel obliged to wear garments with traditional waistbands, I still treat myself to a few "elasticated days" every week. 2. Strangers who, while referring to my child, start sentences with the words "That child..." "That child" has absolutely ZERO to do with you. 3. Anyone (other than me) moaning about being "tired" or "stressed" I know that I sound like a total b*tch but that's just what being tired and stressed does to a person. 4. People writing open letters of the "Dear Mum on the iPhone..." variety It's always been a pet peeve of mine but I admit since making the human and officially hitting a level of zero tolerance for bullsh*t, I have been fighting an urge to write an open letter of my own. This is how it would go; "Dear Mum writing an open letter... F*ck off." 5. The word "Judgement" I think a lot of this "judgement" is in our heads and we all need to get on with not giving a sh*t about what the woman minding her own business over there might think about how we choose to feed, water or clothe our babies. There's a lot of people around feeling judged these days and I just wanted to categorically say I'm too concerned with what I'm potentially doing wrong, to judge you. And likewise I will assume that you certainly can't summon the will to care about me either. Unless you are literally getting your infant tattooed, I think you're doing a great job. If you are getting your baby tattooed, then I admit it, I am judging you. 6. Staying up late It's off the menu. Unless it's a really, REALLY good night, I just can't say that it is worth it anymore. For the childless, every hour out later is another hour of unadulterated fun, for me it's an hour less sleep and brings me ever closer to being a strong contender in a Keith Richards lookalike contest – I wear my exhaustion in the face. 7. Post-baby body selfies Does this require an explanation? Okay here's one: It's my body, I'm filling it with cupcakes and no "inspiring" post-baby body selfie is going to stop me. 8. Cutting down on wine Before I was always trying to maintain my person-shaped figure and looking out for my health. Now that I'm saddled with The Child and The Man, I've decided to go full-tilt into letting myself go. It's liberating. All I have left is to cultivate my wine gut and indulge in emotional wine-fuelled weeping about how much I love my baby (and to a lesser extent The Man). 9. Lengthy sexual encounters Who has the time? Or inclination? Things have veered so far into platonic around our house that The Man is threatening to impose a sex schedule. I asked if he would be making it on an SExcel Spread sheet. He was not amused. 10. Being nice to virtually anyone See points 2, 3 and 10.